Skinny Dipping with the President

Friday Inspirational

2011-07-15T09:40:00.000-06:00

From Wendy Betterini...

Living From Gratitude

For most of my adult life I believed that an attitude of gratitude is a good thing to have. As often as possible I tried to be humble and grateful for the blessings I received, but I didn't fully grasp just how powerful a gratitude practice could be until I set an intention to "Live From Gratitude" for an entire day.

What does that mean, to "Live From Gratitude?"

I decided that I would stay in a grateful state of mind and give deep, heartfelt thanks for everything I did, saw, felt, and experienced that day.

From the moment I opened my eyes early that morning, I began giving thanks for everything and everyone that entered my awareness. I thought about each of my family members and friends, and gave thanks for their presence in my life. I gave thanks for my home, my business, my car, my clothing, my health, and my cats.

As I moved through my daily activities, I gave thanks for everything I touched, ever ything I saw or heard, everything I felt, and everything that happened to me - even the annoying and challenging experiences.

I gave thanks for our dishes and utensils as I washed them, as well as the water I was washing them in, and for my hands that enabled me to wash them. A few of those items were wedding gifts for my husband and I, and as I washed each one, I recalled our wedding day with joy and gratitude, and gave thanks for my husband and the life we share together.

During my business activities that day, I gave heartfelt thanks for my clients and the passionate work that fulfills me and allows me to make a difference in the world. I also gave thanks for the challenges my work sometimes brings, simply because they strengthen me.

I expressed sincere gratitude for everything I saw, heard, felt, did or experienced throughout the entire day, big or small, good or bad. Not only did I SAY "thank you" for these things, I made sure to really FEEL the fee lings of gratitude and appreciation for them. As I'm sure you can imagine, that was a LOT of gratitude!

The results that came from my day of living from gratitude were astounding. It was one of the most powerful days of my life.

All day long I kept meeting the nicest, greatest people everywhere I went. My income for that day jumped up to roughly three times what it normally was, without me having to lift a finger to make it happen. I kept noticing awesome opportunities, tools, and resources that would help me grow my business or improve some aspect of my life. Some of these things had been right under my nose all along, but I'd never noticed them before.

I received so many great gifts as a result of my day of living from gratitude, but the true gift of that day is the way I felt all day long.

Never in my life can I remember feeling so humbled, so blessed, so RICH. Everything around me became SACRED in ways that I can't even describe.

Stru ggle, strain, anxiety, frustration, fear, anger . . . they all just faded away. Everything I saw and experienced was uplifting, inspiring and beneficial. My life was transformed that day, into something that I never dreamed would be possible. I'd thought my life was good before that - but my new attitude of gratitude took it to a whole new level of goodness.

That day stands out in my memory as one of the best days of my life. In fact, it was so powerful that I've since adopted my "living from gratitude" mind-set as an ongoing intention. Every day I strive to live from gratitude - and each day gets more and more magical the longer I do it.

Try it yourself and see if it doesn't have the same wonderful effect on your life.

Wendy Betterini

Wendy Betterini is an abundance coach, motivational writer. She helps shed limiting beliefs, release resistance, and open your heart to allow greater abundance, joy, love, and peace into your life. Visit her website for free articles, e-books, abundance tips and more: http://www.allowabundance.com/

Another success!

2011-07-14T19:35:00.000-06:00

I was asked to do a healing on a man who was taken off of chemo. He is in the final stages of cancer and now the objective is to keep him comfortable. The girlfriend of the man's son contacted me. I did the clearing/healing and he ate and slept for the first time in weeks.
Awesome.
Signs I'm on the right path..and I'm so happy for him. Thank you God!

Karma is a bitch

2011-07-10T16:03:00.005-06:00

I am at the age now where I am seeing that you never get away with a damn thing in your life. I have paid for all of my mistakes and everyone I know is paying or has paid as well for their own. I have some regrets certainly. All things I did before I got married. Since then I'm pretty boring. lol Before then I was pretty boring come to think of it.
I never screwed a bunch of guys before I got married. I've always been a serial monogamist. (stupidly in some cases) I tried drugs but never got into them. I would drink at parties but always paid the price. I'm one of those people whose karma is pretty instant and I figured THAT out as a child. So I'm careful.

Occasionally my temper has got the best of me but I am completely incapable of screwing over people in a huge way. I have gone to school with, been a half sister to, a cousin to people who are LITERALLY capable of getting CLOSE to you in order to fuck you over to relieve some inner pain they have. That just has never been me. If I have screwed you over then you were told it was coming and you knew EXACTLY why it came. And even then I did not take the low road. I don't lie. I don't cheat people out of things, and I do not steal. I do not slander. If I said it. It's a fact. And because I am a pack rat you can BET I have the email to prove it and some witnesses. My idea of screwing someone over is to just cut them out of my life. You took your best shot. It was your LAST. The first time you screwed me over it was a surprise. If you do it again it's an invitation. I did that to several toxic family members. My drug addict mentally ill mother for instance. (At some point you become complicit in their drug use if you continue to tolerate it.)
Unlike some people, I don't just think of the NASTIEST thing I can say about a person, convince myself of it's validity and then pass it on as truth.
But I know plenty of people who CAN do that and think it is perfectly fine.
Oh..you young souls. lol You are the ones life will be ugliest for.
Here are two morality tales that happened this year that prove this. Pay attention to the IRONY.
My paternal grandmother was the reason I had nothing to do with my fathers side of the family. She lied, she made up ugly rumors and she taught her children and grandchildren to do the same. Somehow this same bitch made it to church every Sunday without an ounce of irony.
So..she screwed me and my children out of that part of family and those memories.
God watches.
She died on Christmas day in a nursing home not knowing anyone and having had all of HER memories taken from her.
Justice.
She comes to me in dreams begging for my forgiveness. Apparently you don't get to move on so easily. I'm not there yet, she will have to wait.
Another friend of mine here in Denver died recently. There was so much that was great about her. She was fun and stylish and had a wicked sense of humor. The bad thing was that she was also VERY rigid in some ways and negative. She talked such shit about those closest to her. I mean just vicious things. People who counted her as their best friend had no idea that she would be saying the nastiest things about them behind their back. I hung out with her occasionally and was careful about what I shared with her because those types do that to EVERYONE.
She died of THROAT CANCER.
God Watches.

Francesca....part deux

2011-07-09T07:31:00.006-06:00

The second visit I had to Francesca (the intuitive healer) we talked again about my mothers side of the family and how my mothers life was just caught up in something that was more than what we saw on the outside. Sometimes you come into a life and it's like swimming to the surface. Your born into it but you have these family things tied to your ankle like so much seaweed.
I don't ever think we covered why my great grandmother lost her mind. She had a terribly difficult and disappointing life. Maybe when I go again I will find out. We talked about my husband's stuff since he was seeing her as well and some of the things he was living were long standing things in his family as well and it was affecting our marriage.
Then it was time to jump on the table for the energy work. Again she placed the hot stones around my body. Behind my shoulders, neck, under my arms, in my hands and at the bottom of my feet. This is to raise your energy up so you can get the most out of the healing. She plays the BEST music. Then she dabs rosewood oil on my forehead and the palms of my hands.
She makes it clear you are to keep your eyes closed. You can feel the swooshing around you and her hands manipulate the energy above you.
At one point I heard and felt (the way you feel people enter a room) several people come in. I was kind of pissed. Why is she having people just roam in and out of this tiny room while I'm in the middle of a healing session? I'm fully clothed for these sessions but still it feels like an invasion of privacy.
Annoyed I just ignored it and tried to concentrate on relaxing.
I am the SPA QUEEN so I am accustomed to getting facials and massages etc. Usually during these things I'm either trying not to fall asleep or just listening to the music. When Francesca is working though it turns into some sort of weird movie in your mind full of things you thought you had forgot about. Memories come up and feelings return just waiting to be dealt with internally and emotionally.
At the end of the session I sit again in the chair and she tells me what impressions she got. Before we started she asked me if I thought of anything I wanted to talk about. I said something about people coming into the room. She smiled and said They always show up for you.
Confused I asked who she meant? She said "Your guides"
Franky I ignored that. I knew my husband was just on the other side of the door and I would just ask HIM who came in and out.
Then she started writing things down on her pad and talking about my fathers side of the family. She is not told anything about me by the person who referred me because this person did not know me that well. I do not offer anything until she has already told ME about her impressions. She knows nothing of my history or life. She just writes, stares at you and announces to you what she is getting psychically.
She said "They threw you out. This is what THEY DO" She has the funniest way of wording things that make you think...wait no..but wait YES! That is EXACTLY right. When you grow up around people who like to control the language in order to suit their needs you sometimes need an outside person to look at things and call a spade a spade.
I explained to her that my mother and my father were high school sweethearts. She got pregnant and HIS mother insisted that he deny paternity. At one point I think his father was shamed by MY grandfather (my mothers father) into doing the right thing (for that time period in the bible belt). He was driving my father up to Houston to marry my mother but kept getting lost. My grandfather said he just got a bad feeling about the whole thing and told them to take their country asses back home the third time they stopped at a pay phone to get directions. Good thing because I have been told by many people that I was being "protected" from these people.
Francesca affirmed this. She said "you vibrate so DIFFERENTLY than these people. They are in spiritual preschool and your in college. The strange thing is you keep incarnating with them to teach them a lesson and bring them up but every time (she laughed and shook her head) they just put their heads down in their shit and refuse to EVOLVE." I told her that if that were true my ass is done with them. I will not be coming back to them AGAIN.
She said this time I came in to stop this THING they do. That somewhere further back in the generations they had kicked out a male member of the family. She said by refusing to acknowledge YOu they are continuing that whole miasm.
Then she got really pissed. She said "I see all of these people in on this. A whole TOWN". She is really uncanny. My father lives in this tiny town and that is where they met. Just really small deliverance (the movie) type people. They all just fell in line with my fathers side and pretended not to know who my father was when I would go to that town to visit my great grandmother and cousins who still live there.
She said "not only do these PEOPLE have heavy heavy karma they will have to pay for so does that town as a GROUP". She looked nearly scared for them. lol
Huh. I never thought that a town could have karma. I never stopped to think about how complicit they were in this whole thing either. It's really kind of mind blowing to think about what I unknowingly put up with.
Then she said "Further...there are lies and slander being told about you by people in this family. They figure if they just diminish you then they can forgive themselves for doing this. You know what? God watches. God watches everything. This is going to get ugly for them"
Good! Let it.
I told her how I had met my half sister (same father) and we had a relationship for a time. Francesca said "You have to give her respect for coming forward and doing that. These people are really strong in their crap and I can see this was not easy for her. In the end though your just two different souls. She took advantage of you and did some underhanded things and I see you taking her to task on that. Then it was just easy for her to jump back on that family train where they lie and distort the truth. She decided..'You know what..I am one of them. I will sign on to this behavior and this lie' So..while she initially broke through that mess she let her insecurities take her down a path that ultimately betrayed you and now I see her as carrying this banner of hate and lies and negativity forward where it could have been left behind for the other generations to deal with. She will have to answer for that as well."

We wrapped it up by talking about having me do a similar ceremony for this male person I did not know and might have been born generations before. She said "You cannot kick a person out of a family. Even if your adopted out even if you are left behind. That DNA was put there by God and all of the 'stuff' good and bad is as rightfully yours as anyone that they acknowledge." So my job was to say to this person "Uncle (F told me to just refer to him as that) you had EVERY RIGHT to own your place in this family. You are NO LESS nor are you MORE than any member God put here with these people. They cannot undo what God has already done. You were WRONGED. I acknowledge you as my ancestor and I acknowledge your rightful place in your family."
When we had finished she told me that Mary was with me often. I told her that was weird because I was not catholic. She just said "Neither was she". lol
Good to know! lol
On the way home I asked my husband who kept coming in the room. He looked at me and said "No one. I never left that sofa in the waiting room." I guess he thought I was accusing him. I explained I would feel the whoosh of the door open and could feel PEOPLE moving toward me. Like the space literally contracting the way it does when a small space fills up. He said..they would have to step over me to get to the door and not one person came in!
Okie dokie!
I did the ceremony using the words she had written down for me and some of my own. So..hopefully that is one asshole trait those people are less burdened with and future generations won't even know about it. Then again it is a different time and I can't imagine they would have the excuses they had then.
Francesca said it was DISGUSTING how they manage to demonize an innocent baby for the sake of "appearances". That how they still try to do that to me so that they do not have to deal with this really huge wrong bumping up against their really simple faith. She said otherwise the two would have to be reconciled. You cannot come to God like that. You can't say "Sorry we did this" if your doing NOTHING to right the wrong. If your not confessing your lies and your complicity.
Interesting.
God watches.

Francesca....

2011-07-01T15:43:00.000-06:00

So BACK to my healing adventures. A friend of mine who has "the gift" has been bugging me to write this all down for others to learn about. She said it is part of my "mission" here.
Fine..who am I to buck the mission.
So anyway..I landed at Francesca's a shell of my former self. You can't IMAGINE what I have been through. Fran was recommended by another friend who said she had done miracles for HER so this should be right up her alley.
I made my appt and even made my husband go. He is cool about that stuff. He can go to a cocktail party at the Ritz or an ashram with a bunch of bald chanting people and nothing will faze him. He will just join right in and FIT.
On the appointed day she told me that her "guides" had said that my husband was to go first and then me last.
He looked at me like HELP! WHAT?? HELP! I just grabbed the stroller, the baby and my oldest and headed to the nearest park in Boulder.
An hour later I came back and he looked..relaxed and FREAKED OUT. Hmmm...
He took the kids and I took a chair in Francesca's healing room.
Her office is in a nondescript building on the outskirts of Boulder. Inside she has a massage table that sits in front of a fireplace. There are a few new age thingies, crystals around but nothing too crazy. For the most part it looks like the inside of a spa.
We sit facing one another, Francesca in a long skirt, barefoot, curly hair swept up off of her face in a loose chignon and a legal pad in her lap.
There is music playing on her ipod. The place, the music, her demeanor puts you instantly at ease.
She looked up at me and said.
"Well. Now. Which great grandmother died in an insane asylum?"
WHAT. THE. FUCK!
K..here is the deal. My husband does not KNOW about that, no on KNOWS about that but me. No one still alive I mean. And the only reason I know about it is because I heard my grandfather tell someone that my aunt looked just like his mother. I asked about his mother and he just quickly said "She lost her mind and died in an insane asylum".
!
So..I tell her what I know. She nods.
Then she said..on your mothers side...one person from every generation dies young.
WTF #2
Until she SAID IT like THAT I did not realize that was how it was unfolding. I just thought they were unfortunate accidents that every family has.
I stuttered..I guess...there have been deaths certainly.
"Because of the injustice of how your great grandfather died. He was murdered?"
Um.....WTF#3
I told her yes. I guess that was how you would phrase it although NO ONE in my family EVER put it like that. He died at the hands of a verrry drunk surgeon performing a routine apendectomy.
She then said.."The deaths are a contract you all keep making to try and right this wrong. A miasm."
She then informed me that my mothers suicide was part of this contract. She said...."YOUR NEXT".
AWESOME.
She then asked me to hop on the table and close my eyes. She put hot rocks on my chakras and rosewoood essential oil (a smell that keeps me sane when I'm stressing out to this day thanks to her)on my forehead and palms.
Francesca practices Qi-gong. So she got to work on my energy centers. As she was doing this memories and images just flooded the screen in my brain.
After about 40 min or so of this she invited me back to the chair.
She told me that I was a healer. That I came into my mothers family to heal this injustice. I am the one that can stop this cycle. And I need to do it now. So she gave me some simple instructions about creating an alter to the great grandfather I lost. It was up to me on how to honor him.
I went home and did just that. (Seriously...I was now convinced I would have die any second until I did this. lol Not really ..but kinda..)
I lit some candles played some music and said the words Fran suggested I say. Basically that I honored his life and contribution to our family. It was WRONG what happened to him. I acknowledged this wholeheartedly. I said it is no longer necessary for us to avenge this with our blood. It is done and you are at peace. We are all at peace.
And so we are.
Since that time one of my cousins has come down with a very rare form of cancer. She is young and it was caught by accident. She survived. The whole thing is a miracle. It's also the end of our miasms.
Next time...how I healed my fathers family of theirs...

Hilarious!

2011-04-01T10:54:00.000-06:00

This has been quite the funny week.
I'm having what you might call "Attack of the bulimic sorority girls."
This is a code my friend A and I came up with to describe the competitive insecure assholes in the world who frequently try to bring you down in an attempt to "self level".
I remember describing my sisters behavior to her back when she lived with me. How I would make plans to go with her someplace and come home from a business trip only to hear her go on and on about taking her fugly boyfriend (now fugly husband. Father to her two ugly children) to the same place. Which is fine. Until it happens the third time.
Then when she went someplace I had never talked about but then found out I had been before she would LITERALLY pout and stop talking to me. (Hello bitch I've lived here a decade you just landed)
All of it..the borrowing my clothes without permission yet flipping a bitch when I did the same, the weird mood swings, the bizarre eating habits, the cases and cases of that diet shake crrrap. My friend A finally said "She's bulimic".
"A" went to an all girls boarding school (with some pretty famous bulimic's) so she would know. We are both skinny naturally (neither one of us has ever been over 110 lbs except during pregnancy) and weight is just not something we focus on.
I realize it is for the majority of the population but they are not out screwing over their nearest and dearest in an effort to cut them at the knees for being thin.
Mental. Illness.
Bulimic sorority girl is code for ...let me get close to you so I can steal your clothes (Do I look better in this top than she does? Do I? Do I?) TRY to hit on your boyfriend, who laughs at her (Does he like me better? Does he? Does he?) Try to go to all the same places you mention (Did I have a better time? Did I? Did I?) in an effort to PLUG THAT HOLE. And when the bulemic sorority girl cannot accomplish that..they make up a fake fight and slander you so that people will LIKE THEM BETTER. lmao.
My sister runs for a living. You can see things on her blog and pictures about her kids occasionally but she is more proud of the fact that she is a runner. And running is awesome. Unless your bulimic. Then you take it to THE NEXT LEVEL. The level where you are only 39 but have lost so much collagen in your face due to poor diet and too much exercise that you literally look like you are in your 50's. BUT LOOK I'M SKINNY NOW!
I have a friend from high school (well..acquaintance)who is EXACTLY like her. RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN WORK OUT WORK OUT WORK OUT. She will bore the FUCK out of you on facebook telling you this shit imagining that we're all sitting here thinking WOW, I wish I could be JUST. LIKE. HER.
Um not in a million years.
No..most of us are eating twinkies and playing with our kids. We do not need constant approval from the imaginary "jealous". We are too busy LIVING and laughing at your mental illness.
Anyway..I log on only to see her tell the rest of us what she is tired of seeing posted. That our posts do not change the world we should all get a life.
Okay so 500 facebook friends were instantly insulted. I had to laugh.
Somehow it is okay to bore the FUCK out of us with your workout schedule and the fact you are going to be watching Dancing with the Stars but should THE REST OF US comment about a CURRENT EVENT plastered all over the news...we're the assholes?
Yeah.
So of course there are the toadies still playing up to this "mean girl". I took her ass to task quick. She tried to get personal but homie don't play so she quickly embarrassed herself. People with no critical thinking skills should not engage their betters.
I think I ended up posting "If you do not like what ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS post on facebook...don't have a facebook account. See how easy that is?"
Within a second I had vast amounts of emails from mutual friends saying "WTF is her problem. So rude".
Um...let me help you with that. She's bulimic.

There is a debt to be paid

2011-02-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have cried every day for two years.
Raise your hand if you can say that. I. have. cried. every. day. without. fail. for. two. years.
Very bad things happened to me and against me.
In trying to get to a place where I could function (I did not even have "healing" or "joy" or really "living" as a goal. We're talking FUNCTION here people)I embarked on a journey that led me to a 3rd or 4th generation Curanderra. A book about shamanic journeys, and a shamanic healer. Finally it led me to a woman who does distance healings that can clear up...oh..about 12 centuries worth of bullshit.
I learned that my suffering was all part of a greater plan. (More than I could ever imagine). I learned I was being haunted. (But that one I already knew about). I learned the people who should be closest to you can have been put there to abuse you so that YOU COULD HEAL THEM. (The WTF file grows). But enough about my whining. Let's start with Francesca..

I'm coming for you. I'm back. Stay tuned.

2011-02-14T21:54:00.004-07:00

Road Trip!

2010-01-17T18:37:00.002-07:00

I think I'm going to move my blog to a different address. Email me if you want the address. I have a stalker cousin and aunt reading this and it's time they take the hint that they do not get the privilege of knowing what happens in my life anymore. Felony theft of my mothers belongings will do that.

Horrible

2010-01-16T20:18:00.003-07:00

I cannot turn my head away from CNN! What is the matter with me? I'm yelling at the UN for pulling out and leaving Dr. Gupta to do what amounts to civil war medicine BY HIMSELF. I'm trying to send light over all the images. (does that even help?!) The thought of someone, children, mothers, daughters, HUMANS sitting under all that rock...waiting. Just waiting. About unhinges me. I ask WHY??
I used to be such a sunshiny kid. Before my MOTHER and my FAMILY and LIFE.
Does it realllly need to be this harsh and ugly.
I know we're all just here to learn but how about some joy in the lesson.
Wow
What a way to start the year.
God Bless you Haiti.

Um...

2010-01-16T18:52:00.004-07:00

Did I just watch George W "Heck of a job Brownie" Bush tell the world how Haiti "touched his heart" and urge us all to help? Really? When your done with THAT photo op DUMB ASS how about joining the habitat for humanity org in NOLA. Seriously? The guy redefines BALLS.

Fun little new years thingies

2009-12-31T14:11:00.005-07:00

So I am reading a lot of what my friends are getting up to on twitter and there are some really interesting things you can do to ring in the new year. (Other than spend way too much on a cover charge, a dress, and cab fare).
You can
Gather your lucky foods together for tomorrow's dinner. (Ditch that chicken and lobster!)

If your single you can make a list of all the things you want in your ideal mate and then burn it at midnight (extra awesome since there will be a blue moon tonight). Now please do this in your bbq/fire pit and don't go setting the neighborhood on fire for lurrve. Please.

You can get together with some friends and make up your 2010 Vision Boards. I like this gal's approach. Way more interesting than just tacking some stuff to a cork board. Give it all the energy you dare!

If your reading this..I wish you an amazing 2010 full of fun, laughter, joy and prosperity.
And for those of you who have sent me emails of encouragement and comfort in this.. the most difficult year of my life..I wish you love. You gave it to me when I needed it most and I am grateful for the kindness of friends...and strangers. God Bless.

2010...Loads of smiles. Even if our teeth are gritted

2009-12-28T18:57:00.001-07:00

So I am going to do and "experiment" in 2010. My new year's resolution is to be more upbeat and positive. Which considering I'm the most positive person I know is either scary or annoying.
Don't let this little blog fool you...I'm Mary G.D. Sunshine with the floral bonnet to prove it.
So yeah...no more tweets or blogs unless they look at the positive.
You are what you think.
Your thoughts create your reality.
blah blah blah thpppp. (What? I have 3 more days to act like this!)
We'll see.
Meanwhile. Can I share how EFFING pissed off I am that with all the things I'd rather be buying I am having to spend money on a furnace part?? (In 2010 I will observe how it could be worse. I could have to replace the whole thing). This part is costing us an arm and a leg. I think the friend of the friend who is selling it to us is RIPPING US OFF. But...it's seven pm and the temps will be in the single digits. He's got us.

I am a poster child for adoption

2009-12-22T12:15:00.002-07:00

Because no one can do pregnancy worse than I can. Look up pregnancy complications in your What to Expect or whatever your reading and I have nearly ALL OF THAT!
Anemia...CHECK!
Gestational Diabetes...CHECK!
Sciatica....CHECK!
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction...(oh YES kiddies..look THAT UP!) CHECK AND CHECK!
And this morning I had the nerve to wake up with swollen everything and little light tracers happening out of the corner of my eye. (Indicative of Preclampsia. We'll find out soon enough)
At first I thought I was having college acid flashbacks but then I remembered I never tried acid in college. Or any other time. Nothing against it I think I just forgot.
Anyhoo...
At least SOME things are getting done around here.
The Hub has finished painting the nursery. We're going for a French Shabby Chic thing this time. We used a gorgeous, huge stencil and it looks like verrrrrry expensive silk wallpaper. It's too beautiful. Pale pink walls with an even paler pink stencil going all over it.
I'd post pics but the room is still a mess and well...I'm lazy. And miserable. So use your imagination.
I just need him to finish the crown molding and install the PERFECT little white chandelier I found.
(Bored yet?)

And so it begins....

2009-11-24T13:23:00.002-07:00

Last night my husband decided we (that is WE..plural) NEEDED to go to the grocery store.
COME ON now! I did the grocery list and laid out all the recipes he wanted. What else?!
He insisted he couldn't possibly get allllll of the Thanksgiving ingredients without me. So I changed out of the preggie mumu for some preggie jeans and off we went.
I only peed on myself ONCE! (From laughter. Hey..I'm carrying VERRRRY low).
Luckily I remembered to dress for such an instance. Still. Gross.
So I tell him to hand me half of the list and he can do the other half and I'd meet him in the bakery.
OH . HELL. NO.
He wants to do it all himself so that he knows what he bought and if he has it when he is looking for it back home.
HE just wants to make sure it is the RIGHT thing.
Wha?
So I get to schlep up and down the aisles with him saying things like "No..get the low sodium stock" and "Never buy low fat cheese for a recipe like this are YOU NUTS?"
This whole thing somehow took a mere 2 hours.
At the end of it he declared "I cannot believe this cart is full to the brim and I'm about to spend THIS MUCH MONEY on food for THREE PEOPLE for one day".
I said...Um..okay then. What would you like to cut out..I'm fine with whatever.
At which point I thought he was going to lose it "We can't cut anything it wouldn't be THANKSGIVING".
The man has never had the likes of my thanksgiving and now that he has he refuses to go backwards.
IT's good he see's what goes into this thing.
When we got home he put everything away BY HIMSELF. Usually he drops everything on the counter and heads for the remote. This time he refused to let us so much as help.
He needs to know where EVERYTHING IS he said.
Oh..THIS is going to be FUN!

Turkey Olympics

2009-11-23T11:34:00.004-07:00

My husband has agreed to cook the Thanksgiving dinner all by himself this year.
This is going to keep me in laughter for the next FIVE years I predict.
The man can cook...don't get me wrong. Well..he can BAKE. The man can bake like a pastry chef. My birthday cake this year was that elaborate thing on the cover of Martha Stewart's Baking Handbook. (and he declared it the easiest thing to make in the whole book) Don't you just love you some Martha?!!
It was AMAZING. My daughter was talking about it in her sleep she was so obsessed with it. It was gone in two days flat.
I cannot bake. Not even slice and bake cookies. I find a way to screw even THAT up. But I can cook amazing meals. (And yes I will brag because it is one of the few things I CAN DO. I'm not crafty, can't take a picture, I can't even paint the nursery without it looking like a disaster)
The question is...how is it I can cook entire holiday meals for 50 or more and my house smells like THE HOLIDAYS. This man can make a grilled cheese sandwich and EVERY TIME and I do mean EVERY TIME...we have to open up windows and fan the smoke detector?
He does breakfast every weekend. It turns out delicious but you would never know it by the smell coming out of the kitchen. How my sofa has managed to last all these years without smelling like a grease fire is beyond me. Or maybe it does and I'm just oblivious.
ANYWAY!
I woke up this morning to discover that my kitchen chalk board has been taken over by his battle plan. Arrows, lists, time tables, you name it. With DO NOT ERASE written in huge letters across the top.
For some reason there is an urgent quest for truffle oil.
Ohhhh. My.
These are MY RULES.
I will not be making ANY-THING.
I will not spend my entire holiday telling you where the garlic powder is.
(I try to keep that pantry organized to no avail. And being a man, he is not about looking for things. He likes to open the door to the pantry..glaze his eyes over in a non focused way and scream "Where the hell is the vanilla extract??!!". Without so much as pretending to look for it. As if I'm psychic and can just magically tell him from the sofa, that it is behind the angel hair to the right of the peanut butter. LOOK FOR IT!!)
I will SURE AS HELL not be CLEANING anything. So clean as you go.
Any clanging sound involving MY CHINA, MY CRYSTAL, MY GRANDMOTHERS BOWLS, or any other precious thing will resort in the back end of your ass meeting the sharp edge of my tongue at intolerably LOUD DECIBELS.
Be. Careful.
I reserve the right to eat pie before the soup.
And with the soup. (There WILL be soup right??!)
And with my turkey.
I'll keep you posted.

What did I tell ya?

2009-11-22T14:22:00.002-07:00

There is always SOMEONE who refuses to cook Thanksgiving dinner for their children not matter HOW adamant I am that I will NOT be doing it for them.
My neighbor is now stalking me and trying every which way to get in my house on that day. She realllllllly has boundary issues and as we all know..I'm officially no longer putting up with those after living a lifetime of them with my own family. (See the blog before this)
My husband used the fax machine Friday and forgot to unplug it and plug the answering machine in. So the neighbor calls me this morning EARLY and let it ring FIFTY TWO TIMES. I actually counted. The only thing that stopped it was me screaming at S to get upstairs and remedy the situation. Which he did. But she never called back.
No..she sent her 6 year old to knock on my door every minute.
You just have to be brutally rude to these people. (not that it sinks in).
I said "A! YOU KNOW YOU DO NOT COME OVER HERE AND RING MY DOOR BELL FIVE HUNDRED TIMES WITHOUT CALLING FIRST" He said "We did call you won't answer". I said "TAKE. A HINT."
Seriously. WHO ACTS LIKE THAT?!
I would never "drop by" anyone's home. Especially not on a Sunday morning.
And if the phone is not answered in 4 rings...I'm out.
Anyway..I'm determined not to let them ruin or intrude on our holiday. This is the first one that we will have had as just a family and we are all looking forward to it. She can learn to cook.
Once you have small children there is ZERO excuse for all that fast food.
Learn to cook.

Hi Spring Tx!

2009-11-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Get off my blog or I will post your full name in my rants.(As I prepare my lawsuits for felony theft and slander)
Run along now....

Sugar and Spice and EVERYTHING nice....

2009-11-16T14:32:00.003-07:00

My friends constantly hounded me after GE was born to get pregnant again. "You guys have a gorgeous daughter..you shouldn't waste those genes". or "You don't want her to be AN ONLY CHILD do you?!" or "Now you should try for A BOY!" (like that was the holy grail.)
Actually...I would tell them...THAT is my GREATEST FEAR! That the next one WOULD be a boy. I have NEVER in all my life wanted SONS. I come from a family full of girls. There are a few boy cousins and while sweet as pie they really are not as family oriented, as successful, as involved as the women.
Women pass on the traditions and the wisdom all the while they are out there every day making their mark on the world.
Little girls are the MOST fun humans on the planet.
It is all I can do to get through a play date with my daughters friends who are little boys.
They whine, they are inappropriate, they throw shit fits for no good reason, they tear up the place and most of the time I'm pretty sure they have mental issues.
The boys here at least.
One boy tried to KILL my daughter quite literally. The other was a whiner and would fall down on the floor and lose his mind THE SECOND the other children would not let him control the games/toys. And the other has behaviour issues, one being that he likes to try and rub himself against my daughter every chance he can.
(But the parents are total freaks too so who knows what occurs in that house.)
My husband has four brothers and two sisters. The sisters live in other states and the boys all live right next door to the parents (Except my husband). Guess who they see more? THE GIRLS!
That's right folks. My in-laws actually see more of their daughters and talk to them on the phone more than the sons who live less that a mile from their house!!!!
And there you have it...MEN.
Who is more successful in most families...the women.
So MY DREAM was always to have 3 little girls running around.
When we did have this latest oopsie I actually went into a depression at the thought that I could soon be the proud parent of a BOY. Seriously.
The clothes are boring, the toys are boring, the boy scouts, the stupid SPORTS games. I can't do it.
The day they told me it was a girl I almost FAINTED from joy. The tech said "Did you not want a boy?" My daughter was in the room with us and said "Heck no. Boys leave their mothers!" Everyone laughed. We were serious.
Who wants to spend their whole life wiping the nose and ass of a little being who will one day grow up and forget to call you on your BIRTHDAY. Who has their secretary/wife/sisters pick out the mothers day gift. (If your lucky enough to even get one from them).
No..give me a daughter. Give me a dozen of them!!
My husbands ex girlfriend said "God is punishing your karma with your other girlfriends by giving you daughters".
And that right there is why women are not further up the food chain than men despite our ability to think on both sides of our brain at once. (unlike males). They really do see themselves as inferior beings.
Pathetic.
I see us as the future of the world and the reason the family unit even exists any more.
THANK HEAVEN....for little girls.

Advanced Maternal Age

2009-11-15T15:13:00.004-07:00

Can I just tell you how I LOATHE that phrase.
Soooooo very much.
I actually told my midwife to write down in my chart that the phrase is not to be used in my presence again. That ANY reference to my age should be dealt with by saying "Because your a haggard old lady who should not be having babies....."
She actually humors me. I love her.
Actually this is EXACTLY when I should be having babies. In the words of my friend Jet (When I emailed her that I had just calculated my age when my kid graduates college..) "Ah, but old people having babies (who had one hell of a fine time in their 20's and 30's while they looked hot and knew what to do with it) at the same time their friends (who got knocked up with the first guy who wasn't a troglodyte) and are now seeing that taught forward... not so depressing."
EXXXX-ACTLY.
All of my cousins married waaay too early. Prodded on by their mother who married as a teenager and then divorced and then remarried as a teenager and has been so miserable she has forced them to do the same lest they go on to actually LIVE A LIFE and be happier than she is. Now they all get to be miserable (and in some cases divorced..the smart ones) TOGETHER!! YAY!!!
It's a Texas Thang.
They are very tied up with "age".
Me? I don't even want to imagine the type of mother I would have made before the age of 30. Don't. Want. To. Know.
I have friends who had babies early and they were AMAZING at it. They are watching the kids graduate from high school now and are THRILLED to be done and I am happy for them. For me? Never would have worked.
The mere SUGGESTION of marriage back then made me break out into a rash. Only my husband changed my mind.
That only child thing I guess.
I loved every second of being single and free.
And now I love every second of being married and being a mother.
I have a child who is SUPER smart, funny (her humor slays people) and a GORGEOUS husband who spends his evenings chopping fruit and veggie plates for my lunch the next day. For me to eat. While he is working. And I'm fanning myself on the sofa.
(Oh please..I've HAD A JOB. That was easy compared to what I do all day now. THIS my friends...is work).
When my daughter was evaluated at 3 and told she could read on a first grade level...a third grade level by the time she actually entered kindergarten (which she is skipping for second grade) I think that answered my husbands "WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?!" inquiry. He brags about me everywhere.
MY WIFE breast fed for 2 years!
MY WIFE made her own baby food!
MY WIFE was doing cloth diapers before it became the norm!
MY WIFE only allows our toddler whole foods.
People hate me before we're ever introduced. But really? What the hell else was I going to do. And all the books I've read and Oprah's I've watched..maybe some of it actually sunk in. Between cocktail parties and trips abroad.
Things I can tell my daughters about in their twenties.

The 16th annual Gays and Strays Thanksgiving....

2009-11-14T17:14:00.002-07:00

Will be postponed this year...
I am as big as a house. (For me) and really needing to stay off of my feet according to my doctor. I think it just precious she thought I was ON my feet to begin with. lol
I don't do pregnancy well. I'm small framed and well..anything longer than a gerbil tends to be more than my torso wants to put up with. And this is a big baby. Maybe girls my size should not breed with men my husbands size (He's 6'4 and while trim he has very wide shoulders and a BIG HEAD!)
The Last time I was pregnant we had Thanksgiving over my friends house. It's always MY thanksgiving where ever it is held because I'm the only one who knows how to cook, apparently.
The guest list is usually made up of someone from my group who can't make it home, a friend or new boyfriend of theirs, some people that come EVERY year, a neighbor who breaks my heart with their tales of KFC on Thanksgiving, and my gays.
EVERY year the new people tend to be ultra conservative religious types. I hang out with all kinds of people. I tell them who all will be there and it never fails to get the eyebrows up when I say "So and so and HIS BOYFRIEND" or "So and so and HER WIFE"
There is shifting in seats. There are meaningful glances to the spouse and conflicted looks toward the children. There is generally a smarmy giggle or wry smile.
Yes.
If you come to my house during Thanksgiving you will have to confront your "issues". And you need to work those out on your OWN TIME. Not while I'm serving drinkings and passing trays of mushrooms and shrimp.
I make it clear that there will be NO POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS. (Mainly because I'm prolly the first one to do a table tip the minute anyone TRIES to defend a Republican point of view). But also because my table is known for fantastic food, great drinks and LOTS AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER. At NO ONE'S expense.
And I'd like to keep it that way.
Usually what happens is they creeeep in the door (with a "ARE WE REALLY HAVING A HOLIDAY MEAL WITH GAYS" look on their face)hand me a bottle of wine or pie, and then hole up in the corner of the kitchen.
Kids don't care whose there they want to know where GE (my daughter) is. That girl knows how to host a play room and get a party started. And she usually puts them at ease with her holiday standard "Don't worry..we get to eat AT OUR OWN TABLE and not WITH THEM". (Little kids don't want a manners coach at the table during the holidays)
I've found a few well mixed cocktails can shift a point of view marvelously. (Also a hint that I will kick an ass out if they try and "understand" alternative lifestyles or any such bullshit made to start a conflict conversation)
You know what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. They become friends with my gay friends. Then they ask about them. Are involved in their lives, look forward to coming by for the 4th and talking to them again.
It's amazing.
I'm convinced that half these bible bangers have never spent more than 5 seconds having a REAL conversation or FUN or ANYTHING with people that are different from themselves.
Anway...all that will have to wait. This year it's going to be small, elegant, and JUST me the hubby and my daughter. For the first time in MY LIFE there will be a mere 3 people at the Thanksgiving table. I'm kind of looking foward to it.
Next year though, bitches....IT'S ON!

LOVESIT.

2009-10-30T10:13:00.001-06:00

Buh Bye!

2009-10-28T00:42:00.002-06:00

Na na na na..na na na na..hey hey hey..GOOOD-BYE.
Sing it with me now...
So I just found the BLOCK button on FACEBOOK. WHOO HOO.
Now I'm like Oprah but instead of "You get a car..you get a car" I'm all "YOU GET A BLOCK AND YOU GET A BLOCK."
It's kind of funny the people you collect and have in your life and the reasons are either complicated or unclear.
I was watching the season finale of Flipping Out and I just had the most amazing epiphany. Wow! I'm not the ONLY person who has had shit said about them, been LIED about while someone you thought was CLOSE to you STOLE BELONGINGS from you and then tried to trash your reputation to cover their tracks.
Amazing!
And I've said it before but I've never really acted on it.
Then I remembered all of the people still polluting the ponds of my facebook who are guilty of this yet somehow STILL have access to my life via my status updates etc.
NOT ANYMORE HAUS.
YOU GET A BLOCK AND YOU GET A BLOCK.
And all those shitty small minded third cousins twice removed that I was only talking to because of my mother...BUH-BYE.
Idiots STOLE my mothers belongings and convinced themselves that somehow a THIRD COUSIN deserves her china etc more than her own grandchildren.
But like my grandfather said about them..."These idiots would sell their own mother for a chance to steal something shiny. And then try to convince you that you deserve it. They are WHITE TRASH".
And like my friend Bryan said "I'm finally on your FB. Lost in the sea of your five hundred friends. But what most people don't know is that is probably not even a third of the people you actually know and are friends with. You are well loved girlie"
Yes I am. Time to part with the riffraff.
YOU GET A BLOCK AND YOU GET A BLOCK AND YOU GET A BLOCK.
LOVESIT.

Are they adding stupid to the water up north?

2009-10-18T17:27:00.003-06:00

By North I mean Northern Colorado. Larimer and Weld counties seem to have the fuck up factor in Colorado. I remember house shopping with my realtor and he kept trying to push us that direction. True we could have had a much bigger house! Um...no. As far as me and my friends and family here are concerned there are only two counties to raise a family in and Larimer and Weld are NOT IT. In fact they are the "Not unless I am absolutely desperate." last resort counties. And even THEN.....
Enter the Henne's to tell you why.
A whole lot of crazy. Not to mention they get the shit stick of weather up North. The most WIND the most SNOW the most fatal accidents due to ICE. They also have the worst crime, largest amounts of foreclosures and the worst school districts.
How is this guy allowed to do all of this and STILL KEEP HIS KIDS?
How was he allowed to keep them after EITHER of those stints on Wife Swap?
He tried to shove toilet paper down the throat of the first wife and the second was attacked with food! He clearly is a sociopath.
The good thing about crazy HERE is ..it always outs.
You can get away with that sort of thing in the southern part of the United States, because we revere crazy. Crazy is considered "eccentric" there. Here in CO...crazy is fully evaluated and dissected and medicated.
So hopefully he will get some help (i.e. incarceration) AND while he is in jail, his wife will get some Uhaul boxes and move to where that asshole can NEVER find them. Without court supervision anyway.

Some people scrub the grout..I hunt for punch bowls

2009-10-18T02:14:00.004-06:00

Remember when you were in school and you had that big huge test to study for? So you got your study materials together, your notepad, (pre-computers. Yes..now you can guess my age. Keep it to yourself) sharpened your pencils, found your favorite pen, your Dr. Pepper (or..whatever). Some snacks, your blanket, fluffed your pillows, checked the voice mail, fed the cat, checked to make sure the windows and doors were locked, decided you needed ice for the drink, found a coaster, ran back for a napkin and then FINALLY decided you could get DOWN TO BUSINESS and STUDY. Just as soon as you cleaned that grout in the bathtub. (Something you would not touch normally for all the Dr. Pepper in Texas).
That's me this week trying to avoid meditation.
First of all. It's an ass kicking Pandora's box of a meditation. One that I told my friend about and vowed to try and do with her.
Don't ask me to explain I have an entire blog I dedicated to my meditations and I haven't even posted THERE for years. (literally. Not even sure I remember the address) And I am doing it but it's freaking HARD to stay FOCUSED on it.
Also I'm hormonal. And my brain tends to focus and become obsessed by the most BIZARRE things.
Like Amazon.
Seriously..if anyone knew how much I checked Amazon on a daily basis they could probably have me evaluated without my consent. That and EBAY. It's one big WINDOW SHOPPING experience. You can look for the most obscure things. And then BUY THEM.
Right now I'm focused on punch bowls so my daughter can make that frozen face and hands (out of a mask and dish washing gloves) from Martha Stewart, to float in the punch at her party.
Not that any of them have EVER had punch before in their lives.
My daughter isn't even allowed juice boxes or soda. (orange and apple juice if I make it in the juicer is the limit)
See? I'm rambling. And blogging, and yelling at my dogs, and getting scolded on twitter by friends who want to know why I'm up at this hour worrying about
PUNCH BOWLS!
Cause if I fool around enough...I'll be too tired to meditate.
And then Pandora's little box can stay tightly closed.
Plus I'm lazy and let's face it? Concentrating is WORK.

I FEEEEEEL ya Nene

2009-10-15T22:15:00.010-06:00

I SOOO know how NeNe on Real Housewives of Atlanta felt tonight ...meeting her supposed real dad for the first time. Not that I watch that show regularly or anything....
Just lately I'm in a "delicate condition", there is a swine flu epidemic going 'round that is bad for that "condition", and it's getting to be Winter in Colorado.
OH who the hell am I kidding? I don't MISS AN EPISODE, CHILD. For ANY reason.
I love how chickenshit her dad was. "Meet me outside...let's talk in private...I don't want you near my family". LIKE SHE DID SOMETHING WRONG.
My biological father acted the same way when my mother called to have him meet me. (Which he was waaaay too too too chicken shit to do... ever).
To him I say "Bitch please...your ass would be broke and in jail if she had done the RIGHT thing and taken your sorry country bumpkin self to court"
His family vilified me, lied about me (Jennifer), stole from me (Jennifer) and made sure that his side of the family NEVER had a good thing to say about someone they were too cowardly to meet or know. A throw away child, if you will.
Well NeNe. Here is the beautiful thing about karma.
By wishing struggle and pain on me..they wished it on THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
By wishing fatherless-ness on ME they wished it ON THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
By wishing rejection and bearing false witness and stealing in MY LIFE?
They WISHED IT ON THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
My mother struggled to raise me and put me through college alone. She ruined her health doing it. Her M.S. caused brain damage (according to her neurologist) that caused her to be permanently bi-polar. This ultimately led to her sad death.
They wished that physical pain and mental illness on my mother by their actions. So..they wish it on THEIR CHILDREN.
And I see it playing out accordingly. I don't even have to wish them ill.
They did it for themselves.
In fact I feel sorry for them. Shock and awe INDEED.
Those that were jealous of me and tried to bring me down to lift themselves up or to cover for their own crimes...well..their lives show the result of such hate and disregard.
I tried many times to reach out to give them a chance to alleviate that karma. They rejected it. So my hands are clean.
NeNe...just forget him. And stand by and watch God in action girl.

I'm sure your good people..but I still don't know you..

2009-10-05T18:41:00.004-06:00

I am constantly amazed at the TRUST people put in virtual strangers where their children are concerned. I recently read someone's blog that I know where they had JUST MET a couple and DAYS LATER their daughter was spending the night at their house having a "slumber party".
Talk about lazy, stupid, country freaking parenting. "Hi..you might be a child molester, and the reprecussions of your raping our 5 year old will have lasting dire consequences..but REALLY? I'm always looking for a way to reduce my time with these brats sooooo...SURE she'll be by around 7!"
ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?
I was talking to my BFF S and I told her that my daughter will NEVER go to a slumber party. That most child molesters have not EVER been caught (according to my friend who works for law enforcement) and the ones who have, usually have molested MANY MANY kids prior to being busted. S said she agreed. She said that my view is no longer uncommon. She tried to have an overnight camping trip for her 12 year old son's b'day party, and NO ONE wanted their kid to go.
Slumber parties went out with the Brady Bunch.
The other thing that irritates me is our neighbors who constantly say "If you ever need to drop her off and get a break I'm here". Well..that's lovely but I had a 35 year break and I'm in it to win it. I don't need babysitters, grandparents or strangers doing my job. If it's just grandma maybe. But how many people drop off their children with grandma and HER HUSBAND THAT YOU WERE NOT RAISED WITH. What are HIS children like?! Will THEY be around?!
My neighbor quit her job to do daycare so she could stay home with her son. An honorable thing. The problem I have is that NOT ONE of her clients checked her out. They met with her for five minutes in her living room and next day....HERE IS MY KID!! For EIGHT HOURS A DAY AND SOME WEEKENDS CAUSE WE'RE REALLY EFFING LAZY!!
What they do not know is that she LOST custody of TWO OTHER children to her ex. She is bi-polar. (Not sure why she lost custody. Bad divorce, she's crazy..who knows?) And her husband gives me the creeps. Nothing you could point to concretely. But check THIS OUT.
We were outside this summer watching my daughter, her son, and the neighbor girl across the street riding bikes. The neighbor girl S..said to my daughter "To go REALLY fast you need to stand while you pump the pedals. See? Watch my butt..bouncy bouncy up and down and then your bike goes REALLY FAST".
My day care keeping neighbors husband raised one eyebrow and said "REAAALLLLY?" Like he was turned on or amused or SOMETHING.
SHE'S FREAKING SEVEN YEARS OLD.
I gave him a disgusted look.
The wife said "I hate that little girl. She should not be saying that" blah blah blah like it is HER fault.
SHE'S FREAKING SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Um ...yeah..I will NOT be CALLING YOU when I need "a break" you freaking weirdo.
My daughter has NEVER spent one night ANYWHERE where I was not present.
I even make her sleep in my room when we have guests.
Most children molested are molested by a family friend, a playmates parent, or a family member.
Why chance it?!!
Only 1 in 10 will tell their parents. I'm sure we all assume OUR little darling will be THE 1. But what of THAT? If every one DID tell them..by then it's ALREADY HAPPENED.
I assume the best but plan for the worst.
And I stay educated and ALERT.
Do the same.
www.darknesstolight.org

Crazy Town

2009-09-28T23:18:00.002-06:00

Okay since my mother died my reactions to things have become COMPLETELY inappropriate. My mother's suicide set off a chain of bizarre happenings that I could neither stem nor control. I've literally answered the phone, checked the mail, signed onto the computer at my OWN FUCKING RISK since March because what is waiting there is usually an emotional land mind of EPIC proportions. Because of this I think my "reaction meter" is clearly broken.
My daughter had her preschool graduation. I CRIED and LOUDLY through the whole thing. There is "tearful" and "weepy" and then there is your husband telling you through gritted teeth to pull it together. As if that is not bad enough...we took her to dinner at her favorite place after (which is anyplace with table cloths and crystal..she literally specifies those things) and I BAWLED through that.
Tonight? My bff called to tell me that a mutual close friend of ours was run over by a car. There was silence on the phone. She said "I know honey...you've been through so much I almost didn't call".
Silence.
"Sweetie..talk to me".
"Rhonda..please..say something"
Finally I took my hand off my mouth and she heard me laughing so hard I could barely breathe. I laughed so hard I had to draw a bath while talking to her because I peed myself laughing so hard.
Then in typical Glo fashion she screams "You BITCH YOU ARE GOING TO CAUSE ME TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL" as she proceeded to laugh so hard SHE peed HERSELF. (We really should both be checked for incontinence).
So while we're wailing away at our friends horrible misfortune she adds...
"But wait but wait but wait...listen to this." She mumbled something that I could NOT understand because she was by now CRYING with laughter.
I said "What damn it? What else?!!!! What fucking else besides being mowed down by a fucking car?!"
She barely got out "She landed on the guys car (screaming laughter..beating the table now) and the guy ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW (I'm out of my chair onto the bathroom floor beating my foot on the floor with laughter)
And he say's "Bitch...get the hell off my new car".
(Laughing so hard I almost threw up).
Seriously though..she's at the damn Galleria in Houston when it happens. VALET PARK. That's what it's there for. Jesus.

MMMm Homemade

2009-09-13T21:37:00.003-06:00

A couple of years ago I decided to start making things from scratch. I realized that I had been blessed to know my great grandmother (she died in my late 20's) and my grandmother (died in my mid 30's). These were women from a generation that didn't know what a box cake mix was. They wouldn't DREAM of buying a cake from a bakery or grocery store. They made their own bread.
I remember going to my great grandmothers house and she would be FURIOUS if my grandmother had not called first. She came flying at us, arms outstretched for hugs, fussing the whole way "I don't have ANYTHING fresh baked!!!!" The old "If I'd have known you were coming I'd have baked a cake" was a real philosophy in her world and not just a song.
Biscuits were from scratch EVERY morning.
Pie crusts were made with two hands and some elbow grease.
Cakes were multilayered and sweetened with pure cane sugar and fresh fruit. Sometimes hand picked.
Bread dough was always rising somewhere.
Who LIVES like that anymore??!
I could never stomach hostess treats or pie from the store because I had eaten the REAL DEAL my whole life. I still can't.
So..I decided that homemade would be a gift I gave my daughter.
My husband and I bought numerous books. Tried numerous methods. Spilled, burned and destroyed the oven more than once. But out of all this chaos came some AMAZING food.
This led to us trying other things I'd grown up with and was clueless on how to make.
Authentic creole food. Cooked all day and then lavished with seafood at the end.
Fried chicken that looked straight from a Baptist picnic.
Chicken and Dumplings that made my grandmother smile down on me from heaven.
The funny thing? No one here GAINED WEIGHT.
I don't know what is so healthy about butter, lard, and sugar but it's apparently better for you then whatever it is they are putting in all that prepackaged fast food crap.
My husband's theory is that you don't eat as much because each bite is so satisfying you need less.
The best thing of all? On my daughters' last birthday we were at the store looking at the colorful, cartooned, theme cakes. I asked her which one she wanted. She said "Eww. None. I like your cakes mommy. Can't we just make our own and stick a tinkerbell on it?!"
I LOVE this girl. ;-)

Goodbye seems to be the hardest word

2009-09-08T17:31:00.004-06:00

I talked to my friend J the other day. He is trying to get up here for a visit and a fishing trip with my husband. Every time he packs up to leave he has a crisis to deal with concerning his father. His mother died of cancer a while back and his dad is a widow and now a drunk. A BAAAAD drunk. J is constantly bailing him out of one scrape or the other. It takes his energy away from his own family not to mention his sanity.
I mean it's YOUR PARENTS. You want them to be well. You want them to have a good life and enjoy what time on earth they have here with you and YOUR children. You want that piece of your history represented to your children and you want that feeling of "home" that only a close relative can bring you no matter where you live.
Unfortunately we don't always get what we want or deserve.
Unfortunately we can't heal wounds that occurred inside their souls long before we were born and make our parents whole. And normal. Or at the very least FUNCTIONING.
I tried FOR FREAKING YEARS with my mother. I tried up until I got married and pregnant and she tried to destroy that.
I finally had to tell her that as long as she was NOT taking her bi-polar medicine and as long as she continued to abuse prescription pain killers and not get help then there was nothing more for us to say. For me to just take whatever she dished out and "look the other way" at the cause of it would have been more evil and unacceptable to me then to just cut her off...hope she got the message..and cleaned up her act for the sake of HER FAMILY. Me and MY CHILDREN.
But people only see that I am at fault. That I GAVE UP ON HER. Not the truth. That she gave up on herself and me and her grandchildren and any chance of happiness because PILLS were more important to her.
I truly believe that if my cousins had not continued to provide her with support and money, if they had not pretended that her main issues did not exist, then she would have been alone and thought to herself. .."THIS SUCKS. MAYBE IF I GET HELP AND STOP BEING A DRUGGED OUT ASSHOLE my family will forgive me my mistakes and I will have a life again".
She never did that. She never had to.
J's dad isn't either. He finally had to cut him loose. I told him not to do it unless he was okay (as much as you can be) with the thought of a Sheriff calling you one day and telling you they have found his body. That you've made your peace with the fact that others in your family will not agree with you and you will be an asshole in their minds for ever more.
He said "R...I am. I can't do this anymore. I can't put my wife and kids through this crap. Nothing I've done for the past 6 years has gotten him any closer to sobriety. The money time and attention I've given to his addiction (which at this point has become an indulgence. When you refuse to get help, people offer to pay for it, and all you have to do is SHOW UP and YOU DON'T...your indulging your weakness at THE EXPENSE of LOTS of other people who love and care for you. And that's just BULLSHIT) I should be directing at getting my kids off on the right foot."
Amen.
Sad..but sometimes you just have to let go and in doing so let grown ass people take responsibility for their OWN lives.

The mentally unstable right STRIKES AGAIN!

2009-09-06T18:29:00.002-06:00

Seriously. The stupidity of my own country men WEARS ME OUT. First the tea party nonsense. Then the SCREAAAAMING matches about health care. Most of them senior citizens who could not GET private insurance for ANYTHING. "Um yeah...I'm 76, over weight and on 6 kinds of medications...*click* HELLO? HELLO?" That is how your convo with the insurance companies would go J.O. But please...it's a free country..yell to have your self screwed without lube. Just don't take me WITH you to crazy town. If I want crazy town I'll call a family member. They live there.
DON'T get me started on the birthers.
Let's just give those assholes two seconds (but no more) shall we? Let's just say HE ISN'T A CITIZEN. Let's just SUPPOSE. What then? BIDEN AS PRESIDENT? Yeah..I thought so. Sit down and shut up QUICK. They didn't care when Bush STOLE an election. They weren't concerned that HE DESERTED IN A TIME OF WAR. OR LIED TO GET US INTO A WAR WITH IRAQ. OR RAN AN UNREGULATED BANKING SYSTEM THAT FORCED US INTO THE SECOND GREAT DEPRESSION....But the fact that Obama won't give this birth certificate nonsense the time of day has their depends IN A WAD?!!!
This is not "opinion" or "freedom of speech". This is MENTAL ILLNESS. Brought to you by that fat fuck Rush Limbagh and the other fat fuck Glen Beck. (Why do all Republican men look like the dad on Family Guy?!)
And Noooooow the Presidential speech to the kiddies. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME? Yes, God forbid your child be told to "stay in school and study hard". Because CLEARLY this is not something you yourself learned. Clearly critical thinking skills gleaned from teachers talking with their students AFTER the speech would be a threat to your own meager abilities to think past the microwave instructions of your family size lasagna.
I'm over it. All you have to do is look at the destruction and carnage wrought on this country for a decade by the people THEY AGREED WITH to know....IT'S STRAIGHT JACKET TIME for the "Right".
Over. It.

I'm International!

2009-08-23T22:31:00.003-06:00

Especially among the "looking for porn" set. lmao. Just to clarify. The title of this blog is a reference to the first Texas Presidents (LBJ) skinny dipping habits. He even some how managed to get Billy Graham to skinny dip with him..which I find off the hook hilarious.
So if your looking for porn...not here.
If you looking for a southern girl with a potty mouth and a bad attitude.....WELCOME YA'LL!

Who would Jesus Hate?!

2009-08-15T12:42:00.004-06:00

It's gotten to the point that I don't trust ANYONE who wears religion on their sleeves. They make my skin crawl.
I get so excited when I reconnect with an old friend from back home on Facebook...and then find out they have given in to bible belt fever.
They post daily bible verses on their status reports. Or things like "The Lord is so good in my life". There is something less joyful and more TAKE THAT about it.
Maybe because in the next post they are ranting about welfare mothers or socialized medicine.
Is that not what Jesus did? FEED THE POOR?! Care for THE LEAST AMONG US?
Most of them never left home.
My friend G is an actor now in L.A. and he is very vocal like I am. He just sent me an email asking me to back him up on another old friends site. Apparently the guy posted some video comparing Obama to the Nazi's.
Really? He's been in office..what? Seven months and he is being compared to a MASS MURDERER?
People really should read a damn book on WWII and SOCIALISM before they embarrass themselves.
They should also leave God out of it.
One chick had the nerve to tell another friend he was going to hell for being gay. Leviticus again. Really? I thought you were Christian? Stay in the new testament. Lest your husband throw your ass in a tent out back every time you get your period. If we're going "Leviticus" lets GO LEVITICUS ignorant moran.
I reminded her that "the bible" also said that if you divorce you are to remain unmarried. Something she had not managed to do.
Her reply?
Jesus had restored her "virginity" because her ex was mean to her.
Ahhhhh. So nice of him. Yet our friend G is still going to burn in hell.
I love how they tell you they love and support you while condemning you straight to hell in the same breath. lol
Enjoy your shrimp honey! (Leviticus)

Cannot Believe it

2009-07-30T04:02:00.001-06:00

Of Course I can. These things happen to me. Well..let's see where this goes. Hopefully a handbasket is not involved.

Faking it till you make it.

2009-07-26T18:39:00.005-06:00

I once had this boyfriend S who was a WEASEL, the man would LIE WHEN THE TRUTH WOULD DO, a CHEAT, and a con artist to some extent. Did I also mention he came from an old family with money and history, had a job his daddy got him but that he excelled at, and owned his first half million dollar house before the age of 30?
Now..growing up in the bible belt I was always taught there is a special kind of hell for the likes of S. That people like S never came to any good. That all their efforts were thwarted by the LORD until they GOT RIGHT WITH GOD.
Actually. He has an amazing life. IS REALLY HAPPY. And nothing bad has ever happened to him in his forty years of existence.
Me? I was always trying to do the right thing and coming out of it like Calamity Jane.
Observing that man CHANGED MY LIFE.
Now, it's not in my DNA to lie cheat and steal but I could take a note about some of his other behaviour.
The thing that S did 9 times out of 10 was that he would look at a situation and say to himself..HOW could I possible eek a little more out of this.
He ALWAYS asks for the first class upgrade at the airport. Bastard had zero frequent flier miles he was just asking.
Several times THEY GAVE IT TO HIM.
There is me ....just marching to my seat between the perv and the screaming baby for a 4 hour flight while he is waving a glass of free champagne at me 6 rows in front.
If I have to return something to a store..I hem and haw and feel all guilty.
He never gives explanations. If they push him for one he says "It's not YOUR money your giving me back haus..is your last name TARGET? Cough it up" And they do!
Several times I made up my mind to just do the most audacious thing in a situation where I would benefit greatly and then I decided I would NOT feel guilty at all for it.
For instance. I always wanted to be in outside sales. At the time I was working in a cube and barely making rent. I had exactly FIVE outfits for work.
So I just started applying for jobs in sales and asking for nearly six figures.
Some laughed. Some asked to see my W2. But guess what? The fortune five hundred companies? Didn't blink. Hired me and overnight made me REAL FREAKING CASH.
Did I mention I had NO previous experience or the education that the jobs asked for?
S told me.."Spend the whole interview being mesmerized by the guy interviewing you and your in" I thought he was crazy. But since that tactic worked to cover my inexperience/education..what choice did I have? WORKED EVERY TIME!!!
And once in the job..I worked my ass off to deserve it and made a name for myself.
I stayed with him long enough to learn how to get vacations paid for, better jobs, a nicer place to live.
You should see my house. I told my Realtor the price range I wanted to look at. He and my husband looked at me like I had LOST MY DAMNED MIND. It took 5 realtors to find one who would do it. And then that one showed me houses for over a year. My motto..."Someone..somewhere is going to give me what I want and I'm going to be there to accept it". And THEY DID. It's not a mansion but when your facing a life with three people in a small condo and your heart says "No way..I need three bedrooms and three baths.." Score!
Amazing.
So yes...the ex was a weasel. He embarrased me many times in our time together. But what is life if you can't learn a lesson FROM EVERYTHING. And then use those lessons to carve out what a brutal world would deprive you of. Worked for S!

Juuust Asking...

2009-07-14T20:08:00.001-06:00

Okay..I'm SUPER over Michael Jackson but what I'm MOST over? All of these MORONS saying that his mother should get those children.
WTF?
This is a woman who ALLOWED her children to be abused in many ways by her husband. She is MORE guilty of abuse in my mind then HE is. Who sits back and watches that? She's a freaking MONSTER. She should be in prison and contact with any children should be banned.
Plus...let's get real with those ghetto Jackson brothers. Please. Those are the same type of relatives my husband has. If one person has money....everrrryone's got their hand out. So they are going to make nice with those children so that they can now bilk them out of THEIR money the way the tried to do with Michael.
Complete bunch of lowlifes. I say give the nanny some money, buy her a house, get them some lawyers and body guards and then let HER raise those kids.

Speaking of....

2009-07-13T21:15:00.003-06:00

Facebook. I got an email from some guy named "Wayne" (Have you ever noticed that people who do horrible crimes have "Wayne" or "Ray" somewhere in their names?! Disturbing)
He said "Was digging through an old address book the other day and there in the lists of people I once thought.."if only" was your name."
Umm.....Sorry? And......you are? I...know you how?!
I noticed that he had another friend of mine in common..my college bff . So I emailed her and asked who he was.
Her response "He is the douche I dated briefly at school. He went to A&M. He is the one who said to us "You can go ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD and mention the name TEXAS A&M and people will know it! France, Italy, China". Well WAYNE. Melissa and I have indeed been everywhere and we can tell you with FULL AUTHORITY that not only does no one KNOW THE NAME. They don't give a shit. lol Bunch of bush burning rednecks. Blech.

Well...if my pain helps you..it's not in vain. But it still sucks ass.

2009-07-13T17:14:00.004-06:00

I was reading the facebook status updates of my friends the other day when one from an old high school friend of mine caught my eye. We were not good friends per se. We were passing friends in high school and since we've reconnected we're simply passing friends today. Until NOW.
On her status she indicated that she was being called "spoiled" and a "bitch" and "crazy" by members of her family because she had DARED to speak up to one family member that everyone else spent their time walking on eggshells around. When she tried to talk to anyone about this persons behaviour they acted like SHE was the one with the problem
DING! DING! DING! DING!
Uh...yeah. Slightly familiar story to me.
I left her a comment that said something like "Don't go to crazy town with the rest of your family. Call the bi-polar relative out and do not allow their maniuplations to rule your life or make you sacrifice your self respect the way others do as a form of self protection"
She emailed me IMMEDIATELY.
First she wanted to know how I knew the person was bi-polar (Because they ARE and off their meds like my mother was)
And how I NAILED how the others were treating her so succinctly.
Turns out the person is her mother-in-law!
I told her 40 years of experience honey. Forty years of having NO ONE stand up for me when I was the victim of my mother's mental illness. In fact they chose to pretend she was normal and that I was the asshole. They chose to make up hateful stories in their heads about ME to keep from dealing with HER. And also...when she died...if I was the asshole in their imagination then they could use that to excuse their THEFT of my mothers things. Did I mention that like HER in-laws mine are all bible beating Jeezers? They go to church every Sunday.
Probably wearing something they stole from my mother (and thus me and my daughter) all the while.
I told her that the she had to never give in. She could never let herself turn into the cowards her relatives had chosen to become in order not to rock the boat. That if left untreated her mother-in-law's behaviour would only escalate.
I had to pull my mother off of my elderly grandmother during one visit home. My mother asked my grandmother where her purse was and my grandmother simply replied she "had not seen it". My mother decided she didn't like her "tone" and proceeded to jump on top of her and I had to grab her toprevent her from HITTING my 70 year old grandmother!!
I called both of my aunts and asked them to watch out for my grandmother but of course I WAS MAKING IT UP. IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD. (Thus releasing them from their duty as being anything but the dead beat daughters they were....unless they NEEDED something from my grandmother)
She said she had already witnessed a couple of borderline criminal incidents. That her in-laws are wealthy and that they really like to pretend none of it is happening.
Well...at least she has ME to vent to and compare notes.
I had NO ONE.

Ohhhhhh! I GET IT. Hmm. Never mind. Carry on.

2009-07-09T14:19:00.002-06:00

All the anguish and hemming and hawing on here is apparently...for naught. I picked up a little book about karma the other day. You map out your astrological chart and it tells you what your issues will be, your strengths your weaknesses. Well....apparently my karma to deal with in this life is CRAPPY FAMILY. (But a great love life, which I have, and awesome children. Which I also have)
So for whatever reason..the bitches in my life are scheming, lying, STEALING whores for a reason. Apparently I CHOSE THEM. Oh. Okay then. Carry on. (But the stealing? Well.. let's just say they will spend a few lives begging on the streets of Calcutta! Enjoy that!)
The other interesting, fascinating and HARD TO BELIEVE aspect of the chart was that I discovered that my husband and I have THE EXACT SAME CHART except for our sun signs. Our karma, our goals, our weaknesses..all the same. The difference would be how we deal with those things. (Our sun signs). Explains why we read each others minds, finish each others sentences, have the same taste in food, clothes, decor, EVERYTHING, but have completely different temperaments.
According to our karma chart, we would burn through most of it in our youth leaving us to get on with the business of living. I look back on my childhood and my 20's and I say..WHEW. Glad I survived THAT. So I can see it.
Excellent.
I feel MUCH better now.

I cannot believe I'm about to say this

2009-07-06T16:25:00.002-06:00

I just read this little quote from an article by the Associated Press (See full article here

By KAREN MATTHEWS – 1 hour ago

NEW YORK (AP) — A New York congressman who is considering a Senate run posted a YouTube video calling Michael Jackson a "pervert" and questioning the exhaustive media coverage of the pop star's death.

Rep. Peter King, a Long Island Republican, said in the video posted Sunday that society is glorifying a "low-life" while hardworking teachers, police officers, firefighters and veterans don't get the credit they deserve.

"This guy was a pervert," King said in the video, shot Sunday by a staff member outside an American Legion hall. "He was a child molester. He was a pedophile. And to be giving this much coverage to him, day in and day out, what does it say about us as a country?"

Uh...I think I'm going to have to agree with the Republican.

Whew. There. I said it.

What is THAT?

2009-07-05T19:07:00.004-06:00

Why are parents not "parenting" their children anymore? What is the matter with my generation as parents? A bigger bunch of lazy losers I have never seen. They either use the television or the Wii to run their households.
I have had to cut ties with two families that had little boys my daughter played with and I'm about to cut off a third. The first one LITERALLY tried to KILL my daughter and he got a five minute time out for his trouble. I kid you not. My husband threw them out of our house. This is a man that takes A LOOOOONG time to get to a boiling point. He is the most laid back person you will ever meet. Another neighbor has a kid who has to come in the house and make up crap to tattle . Makes me want to scream. I thought I was crazy for being so annoyed with him but then he started public school. The teacher sends him to the principle daily and he has been recommended to a child psychiatrist for "emotional problems".
THEN I have my neighbor in my cul de sac. She does day care and runs a tight ship. Until her own kid misbehaves. She SPANKS other peoples children all day long for the smallest infraction. HER son reared his fist back to punch my five year old in the face because she asked him to stop screaming at her and he get's...YOU GUESSED IT...TIME FREAKING OUT!
Unbelievable.
We don't believe in video games, or television. She watches MAYBE an hour a week. We have board games on Thursday with our dinner. That is the closest she comes to entertainment with food. On Saturday evenings she is allowed to watch a kid movie. That's it. We do not have a vast collection of childrens' DVD's. There is no Wii, no Nintendo, no Xbox (Well...there was an xbox when she was a baby but that hit the garage floor. THAT blog is archived). She can also read on a 2nd grade level and has an adult's vocabulary and a 3rd graders grasp at math. Amazing what they can learn when you turn off all the "technology".
We see dad's who are so fixated on their hobbies that their own children come fourth or fifth to selfish dreams. We see 300 lb mothers who think that processed food is the way to give your children the nutrition they need.
Our neighborhoood is on a vast system of trails, canyons, parks, and mountains that are blocks away from anyone's front door. Our schools only serve fresh food, and vending is unheard of. Our library was just voted the best in the country. There is no excuse for these chunky, misbehaved, unengaged children.
It doesn't matter how compassionate, or smart, or mannered my own daughter is...if in the end she is surrounded by fat sociopaths!

Happy 4th!

2009-07-04T22:18:00.003-06:00

Tonight was amazing. Our little Mayberry always does up every holiday in such a old fashioned way. They have a mini county type fair with bake offs, hot dog eating contests, pony rides, bouncy castles. Only it's just for the surrounding neighborhoods so it's not crowded AT ALL.
Had the neighbors over. Hid the remote so my neighbor could not walk into one of my dinner parties and take over the television for the entire night as she likes to do. (Although her husband still stayed on his blackberry the whole time and the son is still a douche) Everyone ate, played jinga. (It rained on and off for much of the evening so we couldn't play outside after 5) We bought a pinata for the kiddies and filled it with the coolest stuff. When my husband went to hang it in the front yard we already had a group of kids waiting for us. Every holiday we try to do something for the whole cul de sac. My husband is one of 6 kids so he knows how to entertain a crowd. Then all of the parents pulled out the fireworks and put on a show.
Such a much needed respite from all the madness. And a way to reconnect with all of the people who live around us.
We ended it by having my daughter make everyone the 4th of July parfaits she learned to make at her little chef's class and then we took them to the top of the hill and enjoyed the town's fireworks. They were the best yet.
I have a gorgeous, devoted husband, a daughter who won the gentic lottery and tests 2 years ahead of her class, and a community that is always listed in the top five in the country. The time for sadness is over. The time for grateful is now.

Postscript! I just read that not only are our local schools some of the best in the country...our local library just rated NUMBER ONE in the country. That lil ole place? LOVESIT!

As without so within

2009-07-03T18:20:00.002-06:00

Man..the theme of the year seems to be Moral Ambiguity. It's driving me bananas. (Yes this is another post steeped in negativity..get over it or move along. That's just where I'm at).
Not only in my personal life as listed in previous posts, (People with low moral character treating ME like a pariah. ) but also in the news.
What is the fascination with Michael Jackson? Seriously..maybe it's the Scorpio in me but he lost me in "It's the most loving thing in the world to have children in your bed."
I can't make separations after that. I can't say "Wow, he get's a hard on thinking about naked little boys but MAN I LOVE HIS MUSIC."
Is it JUST ME?
And the whole "IT was never proved". COME ON!!!!! Why do we have separate rules for the rich? IF some GUY moved into your neighborhood. He is SINGLE. He is turning his backyard into the most off the hook play yard EVER and is inviting your children. He has boys from broken, poor homes being dropped off by their mothers. He's already had to dole out money to one child who accused him of inappropriate behaviour. He's had a trial. He does not date. HMMMM......It's the old If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..IT'S A DAMN DUCK PEOPLE!
Get this freaks face off my news so I can hear what the hell is going ON in the world.

Ha!

2009-07-03T14:57:00.004-06:00

Just found out a certain someone moved back to Colorado and is settling in NORTHERN COLORADO. My ex T and I laughed SO HARD about that. lol I feel sorry for their kids though. Glad for us! Like one of my neighbors who used to live in Erie said....N. CO is where you move when you don't know any better. Then you figure it out and haul ass to Doug Co. lol Hey..if they insist on being in my state..best they are on the other side and in the bad part. Awesome!

Clarity

2009-07-02T07:16:00.003-06:00

All the spiritual books I read tell you to meditate, meditate, meditate. And even though I know it is good for me I rarely have the patience or the time to just sit in silence uninterrupted for yonks. Lately I've forced myself (kicking and screaming) to just DO IT anyway. Wow. What a few weeks it has been. Your only getting a taste of it here. A tiny smidgen. One thing it does do well is clean house. Things come up you have not thought about in a long time. You clean house. Anger and hurt seem to be always on the surface. But on day's like today you wake up with such a feeling of clarity that make it all worthwhile.
The biggest thing my mothers death did for me was force me to deal ONCE AND FOREVER with the assholes in my family that I usually avoid studiously. That was unpleasant. I always tried to reach out to them in some effort to claim for myself that illusive "extended family". My grandmother and her sister did such a great job being the peacemaker between all of these women. But since they've died the wheels have come off and these bitches feel free to give full reign to their insecurities, poor character, and bad judgment. The aha moment came for me at four a.m. So in the words of Oprah..here is what I KNOW.
1. I have had two amazing parents. My grandparents. They picked up where my crazy (and they knew what she was) mother and my chicken shit dead beat father left hanging. When they died I became an orphan. My mothers death meant nothing. Just the end of my suffering and abuse.
2. I have never nor will I ever have a relationship with the country cousins. And why should I? We have ZERO in common. Each of them (Except B) have had their nose and asses wiped by their parents and continue to have them wiped TO THIS DAY. I however, have been on my own since the age of 20. COMPLETELY. My mother paid for my cousins weddings (2) and divorce (1). She wouldn't loan me 10 bucks for gas money. She also found some of them jobs. Her boss once tried to offer ME a six figure job and she told them she would quit if they did. (Her boss said "It's sad to see a mother so completely jealous of her daughter). So I had to slave away in a dipship Maryland town at minimum wage so that I could take care of her after her seizure (due to pain killer over dose) until she finally got shit canned and I was free to move back to Colorado. I moved there at my expense. I had to pay the majority of the bills. I paid to move back. The whole time she was getting paid six figures and borrowing money left and right from her friends for cars etc.
So really? What do I care what a bunch of under-educated free loading whores think about my life. They are not fit to shine my shoes.
3. Trying to correct all the lies that have been told about me by my mother and other family members is exhausting. I remember once a friend of mine telling me and my sister Jen about a rather raunchy sex exploit she had. She is a free spirit and I love her for it because I could never be that free. However...my sister then turned around and told everyone the same story only she substituted MY name instead of the person who actually had the experience. Then she told me TO MY FACE (I guess she had told that lie so many times she actually BELIEVED IT) that she told my paternal grandmother the story and that said grandmother thought I was EVIL. Well..first of all BITCHES....NEVER HAPPENED. Second of all..you know what is EVIL? Lying about someone for your own sick purposes. Denying the existence and the support of your family to a child that was inconvenient. Trying to erode any thoughts that family may have had about you by telling disgusting lies about them. THAT IS PURE EVIL.
So really? Trying to correct lies that should be obvious to anyone with a working brain is futile. It says more about them that they want to make them up and or believe them than the lie does about me. They will have to go to their maker with that.
4. I don't have to wonder if I will ever have the mother I always wanted. I won't. But I will be that mother for my daughter. My husband said to me yesterday "Your mother was a crazy ass bitch but let me tell you something. You are an amazing mother yourself. I thank God everyday I found you and that YOU are the mother of my baby."
5. I HAVE A FAMILY. And they are sitting right here.

It's funny that way

2009-07-01T19:40:00.002-06:00

I'm sort of a sensitive person. Despite what you might glean from these missives. (all 5 of you). So when I had to call people to inform them of my mothers demise I was verrrry upset by the response I got from her "friends" and "family". I cried about it for days. And then my best friend and I talked about it and after I listed the people she said "Think about what all of those people have in common."
Debbie C. = Was nice to my face when I called her but then talked shit about me behind my back to my mothers friends. Stuff like "She would STILL BE ALIVE if Rhonda would have reconnected with her". Yes well..I'd be on drugs myself. But let's discuss DEBBIE for a second.
Debbie who had to HIDE OUT AT OUR HOUSE FROM HER HUSBAND because he found out that not only had she run up HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS in credit card debt (and thus jeapordizing her families financial future) she was also fucking his best friend. I never said a word or judged her for that.
Deanna W. who practically hung up on me as I told her the news. Deanna who would go out with my mother to clubs but then go home with a different man each weekend leaving her husband to think she was at OUR HOUSE. Then she divorced and proceeded to have a "relationship" with a married man causing his family untoward pain for A DECADE. She then married Larry who was NEVER faithful..but then let's judge Rhonda for not talking to her crazy homicidal mother who threatened her every phone call.
And the family?
My Aunt L. She who turned my mother into a Saint. This is a woman who is so fucked up on drugs herself the last 10 times I've talked with her that I can scarcely understand what she is SAYING.
My second cousin E. Who, rumor has it, has a child by a relationship she had outside her marriage and was widely considered to be the town whore in her 30's.
Her daughter T who instead of expressing condolences dropped me from her FACEBOOK. Really? This from a girl who spent her freshman year in college PARTYING while pregnant. Guess when her family found out she was carrying? THE DAY SHE DELIVERED. Then she married a crack head. Then she divorced him and married some latino man who decided he wanted to pretend she didn't HAVE a son and so her PARENTS raised him. Niiiiiice.
So apparently..the SOUL-LESS have a hard time expressing condolences.
A couple of day's ago I had a (rare) dream about my grandfather. One of only 3 since his death. A friend of mine who is psychic says that when a dead relative is in your dream they are actually visiting you. So in this dream he is FURIOUS at my mother. FURIOUS. He is so angry with her. He says to me "Don't worry about that ole bunch (meaning my cousins and mothers friends) They are a sad, sick bunch of so and so's not fit to shine your boots. They will pay for their judgement of you. I tried to protect you from your mother as long as I could baby. I really tried. I'm sorry."

There are no good or bad people in your life. Just teachers

2009-06-30T15:53:00.002-06:00

Yeah well..whomever wrote that line never met my mother.
My bi-polar mother who has been trying to kill herself since she was 16 finally succeeded. And DESPITE the fact that NO ONE in my family was talking to her I am somehow to blame.
My mother was a manipulative, drug addicted, mentally ill mess. If she was not trying to pit people against one another then she was trying to kill herself to control people THAT way. I can't count how many times as a child she threatened to off herself and take me with her.
Fortunately for her... medicines became available to keep her homicidal tendencies under control. Unfortunately.... she chose not to take them. It's just no fun taking responsibility for your actions I guess. Best to cause drama and let everyone around you suffer.
I can't help feeling relieved. The woman tortured me physically, mentally and emotionally MY ENTIRE LIFE. She threatened me, she lied about me.
Some of my favorites are (that she told my family never thinking it would get back to me) was that I was a whore.
I sort of wish I was. That sex in the city type era passed me by. As it was, the TRUTH is, that I was a serial monogamist who stayed in relationships long past the point of closing time.
Another lie...the police were after me. She neglected to count on the fact that I would CALL UP THE LOCAL police to find out exactly why they had stopped by her house looking for me. They were not. I guess she thought I would cower in a corner and beg her to protect me. Who MAKES UP THIS KIND OF SHIT TO CONTROL THEIR OWN KID? The mind boggles.
My grandmother would buy into all of it. That's on her karma now. But I do remember my mother saying "Some policemen were just here, what have you done NOW?"
Other than go to school, pay taxes, work two jobs and date my boyfriend. I can't imagine. So I called them on SPEAKER PHONE. They ran my license and name. Not so much as a ticket EVER. My favorite part? My mother was sitting there chain smoking looking like a dumbass when the officer on the phone said "Whomever said that to you was clearly a lier".
Thank you.
I finally got the hell out and moved to Colorado. Occasionally I would talk to her and she would promise never to tell lies about me or my husband again, and then my cousin would call me with a completely different account of that conversation where my mother claimed "I was rude and I threatened her".
So much for tearful reunions.
So...the call finally came that her body had been found in a motel.
Enter a period where my KUNTRY relatives tried to break into her apt to steal anything of value. Unfortunately they were stopped by the office manager. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. My mother had cleared out all of her belongings and given them away.
That particular cousin called me when I was grieving. I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and instead of telling me that she is grieving as well or offering words of comfort. The thing that comes out of her mouth is "Well.. listen to me. Your mother always said she would give that china to Courtney and I expect to get that for her."
Really?
That's what you've got to offer?
I did wind up getting all of that stuff from my mothers former housekeeper. But like my friend Amanda said "IT'S MY CHINA NOW BITCH".
They tried to get control of her body.
I had a friend that owns a funeral home handle everything for me and I told the family something else to throw them off. Another friend picked up the ashes from the funeral home and drove them to me.
We are planning to release them this summer.
I'm not telling anyone where or how. Anyone more excited about her china than her death does not deserve to come.
My aunt wanted me to give HER the ashes. (My aunt whom my mother hated with a passion).
Another cousin told me "Yeah..they plan on holding a memorial for her and running ar0und telling everyone "Look! Her own daughter didn't show up" so that they could fob off their guilt on ME. Nice try losers. That worked when other relatives died. My grandmother died and no one called me until 3 days AFTER her funeral. I didn't even know she was ill. I had just spoken with her on the phone the week before! That's just one in a long string of people whose funeral I missed because my mother or aunts wanted to be able to talk shit about me.
But..now it's done. As my husband said "The woman can no longer torment us unless we let her" and as for my "family". I'll keep one or two cousins in my life and the rest can kiss my ass.

Yet Another successful Turkey day!

2008-11-30T21:31:00.004-07:00

Every year I look forward to Thanksgiving. It didn't start out that way. It used to be a time when I went out to dinner and then drowned my sorrows back at home with some stupid Lifetime movie (Mother may I sleep with danger anyone? Where DO they get those stupid ass titles?!). I could not take off to fly home for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas..so Thanksgiving found me here alone.
That all changed the year (14 yrs ago!) I decided to make the whole kit and kaboodle for me and my (then) boyfriend. I thought...why suffer? Just call home..get the recipes. How damn hard COULD green bean casserole be for God's sake?
Turns out not that hard. (Although I've since graduated to some pretty fancy fare) And not only was it a success for me and the boy. HIS parents started flying in from Boston to eat with US.
After I broke up with him and married my now husband I loved breaking out my new wedding china/crystal and putting out the spread. Friends who started coming to it ten years ago now started bringing their families from out of town their new brides, the babies. Neighbors in my cul de sac joined us. I had to buy a bigger dining table. Now it's HUGE.
Every year I send out a printed menu with a list of what to bring (usually along the lines of pie, napkins. Never a dish. Never leave your thanksgiving to someone else's cooking skills and/or weird recipes. I learned THAT lesson the hard way.)
So I get to do my favorite things. Cook, and eat and drink wine with friends. I NEVER have to clean up. And everyone leaves with plenty of leftovers.
We play board games and watch whatever game is on. It's AMAZING.
And no matter what is going on in our lives or the world we take that Thursday to be together. I love being the tradition/momma of all those families. And they make ME grateful to know them every year.
I've met new people, people have made love connections, people have broken up at my table, we've even had a famous legend for dinner. The best part is gossiping about the past dinners. And the hilarious things that have happened on the way to getting a simple TURKEY TO THE DAMN TABLE.
I joke that one day I'll be using the kitchen in the nursing home and my friends will arrive on hover-rounds and walkers. Whatever. As long as it keeps on going. I'll always be THANKFUL for them

Ha! And he IS!

2008-11-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

I just read this headline on Drudge "Bush wants history to see him as liberator of millions".
roflmao.
Um..more like TRILLIONS. Where is that money that has disappeared unaccounted for from the Treasury George Bush?!
Oh..and would the pin heads who could not find their ass with two hands stop trying to comment in defense of the Republicans? Your all guilty of treason as far as I'm concerned.
And NEWS FLASH?! YOU. LOST. Suck it up buttercup.

And now for some truthiness

2008-11-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my God. I have never been more embarrassed for a group of people as I am some of my high school friends on Facebook going off about Obama being the Anti-Christ. Wow. Did your parents really teach you to hate so well? Amazing.
Here is what I hate...IGNORANCE. I hate it in every color it comes in.
Know what else I hate? People who think they got a hold on Jesus cause their pastor is Republican. One chick on Facebook doesn't seem like she's all that happy in her all consuming Christianity. She is self righteous, scripture is SPAT out at you on a daily basis (Until I quoted her some Jesus talking about Pharisees which fit her so well she took me off her friends list. Good fucking riddance NUT JOB.) Her whole thing is I'M A CHRISTIAN I'M A CHRISTIAN AND BUSH IS A CHRISTIAN.
Honey....calm down. A christian doesn't stand under a banner of God and then kill like the Son of Sam for oil.
That's clue number one.
And p.s If Bush and an all Republican Congress, Senate, and Supreme Court couldn't overturn Roe v Wade it ain't never gonna happen.
PPs. If your really anti-abortion GO NOW and adopt a mentally handicap/downs syndrome child and go broke raising them. It's all just a pie in the sky theory till you put your convictions where your mouth is.
Anyway. I've stopped argueing with people about it. If you would still fight for that party after all that has happened to us then your just a moron. Your treating politics like a football game. Your voting for someone cause they match your skin tone. It's scary.
I myself was a Clinton girl. I was so anti Obama. The main reason was that he wasn't SAYING ANYTHING. He was serving up a heaping bowl of hope.
And last I checked Heaping Bowls of Hope don't pay the mortgage.
He was insulting me by bringing up Martin Luther King. You don't bring up Martin Luther King just to ride his coat tails. You HAVE GOT to have a plan. And my country needs a PLAN more now than it has since the great depression.
The suddenly...he started telling us his IDEAS. He started speaking about them, debating them and writing about them. Ideas that made sense for the MAJORITY of the public.
Not just the black public.
The MAJORITY.
Not the Texan public who carry Dooney's and live in shacks and vote like "they gonna be rich some day." The public.
But unfortunately there is a whole bunch of people in the south WHO CAN'T READ so they get their education from Rush Drugbaugh who tells them that Obama is going to take your tax money and give it to the poor.
Uh no.
He's going to give you A BIGGER AMOUNT OF MONEY BACK ON YOUR TAX RETURN. Unless you make a quarter of a million (which not a damn one of you do) then he is going to make you pay the same thing you did in the 90's for our roads and schools.
Except now? Interest rates are WAY LOWER THAN THE 90'S SO IT WILL EVEN OUT YOU QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLAR MAKING DIPSHITS. (all that money and no brains. so sad).
And let's just dispel some other moronic rumors while we're at it.
Obama is not a muslim (There is no DNA strand that passes on religion from the father to the son.)
Obama is not the antichrist (I know those evangelical are desperate to die and get out of their Visa bill because they have had him coming every Easter since I was little.)
Obama does sing the national anthem (And really...could you stop falling for every f'ing email rumor. It's tiresome the inability to think for ones self).
Obama does say the pledge of allegience. (Sucks to be wrong on that huh?)
Obama was born in America. (Unlike John McCain)

Once I made my decision I voted and then I wore my Obama button all over town. On Halloween a lady threw candy at my daughters head. Another good ole boy type threatened to spit on me.
Really? Your fucking president is NOW OUR HISTORIES WORST PRESIDENT EVER and your going to spit on ME?
Now that is funny.
Like I told the lady after hitting her BACK in the head with a tootsie roll. "A man in my family (except my fathers side... they are all backwards ass kuntry cowards) has DIED for this country in every skirmish/war since SIXTEEN EIGHTY. 1680.
I guess that gives me the right to vote and wear whatever I want.
Because I'm an American. And I took advantage of the free education that was offered up in the public school. I don't get my facts from teevee and shock jocks.
I get my facts from history.
American History.
And history teaches that the defintion of madness is doing the same thing in the same way over and over and expecting a different result.

And now a word from Thomas Jefferson circa 1802

2008-09-26T17:47:00.000-06:00

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.”

Livin' like a pauper voting like a Rockefeller.

2008-09-03T16:50:00.002-06:00

I got a text from my cousin. He said "TELL ME your not voting for Obama."
No, I said, I'm not.
Then he went into some spiel about McCain and was happy I had "seen the light".
I told him that was incorrect as well.
Then I got the "God and Country" Speech.
Then I had to tell him some home truths.
"D! Attention! YOU ARE LIVING IN A TRAILER PARK. QUIT VOTING LIKE YOUR BILL GODDAMN GATES. OR JP MORGAN. OR A VANDERBILT. OR STEVE JOBS."
Wha?
Exactly.
I don't know folks. There is allot of shit coming out of China that you can buy that makes you FEEL like you've got it like the rich folks. But at the end of the day..
If you can't pay CASH for a major illness. You've got no business voting for either loser.
If you can't pay CASH for your children's education.
You've got no business voting Republican.
I am reminded of my sister.
Bitch lives in a hovel, craps up her house with all that horrible Ikea MDF furniture, waves her hands around at church as the spirit of Jesus moves her, CONSIDERS HERSELF an evangelical, and VOTES ACCORDINGLY.
She forgets that she is thousands in debt, has two children to educate, a husband who can't keep a job for more than two years, and has had ABORTIONS.
She votes like someone whose life SHE HAS NEVER LIVED.
And so do most Americans.
Both parties are around to service a group of men you have never heard of but still pull those strings behind the scenes. They know the liberals want to hear about change and help for the poor, they know the conservatives want to feel like their vote "pleases God". They have P. R. machines that market these people to pull your string in their direction.
And many are just SO HAPPY to oblige. Like the old song goes I guess..."If lovin you is wrong, I don't want to be right."
Remember this when you head to the polls..
Oprah..is not IN recession. She is a billionaire..
Fred Thompson is not IN recession.
McCain (of the 7 houses) is not IN recession.
Obama is not IN recession.
YOU. ARE.
Now vote like it.

So Funny

2008-08-26T14:11:00.002-06:00

So the DNC is here finally. After all the promises and planning by our city council I still think that tax payers of Colorado will wind up footing the bill for this fiasco.
I could care less.
That is why I changed my affiliation to Independent. That is why all educated, SMART people changed. For the first time in for-ever there are a ton of undecided voters.
The two major parties have divided themselves into far left and far right.
The bible thumpers vs the Let's open our borders and save the world, never mind we can't save ourselves. Let's support a welfare state while millions of middle class lose the ability to support their family. But that is what Obama wants. So he and his hollywood buddies can play poker and raise money for the poor and feel good about themselves while destroying our country with policies that destroy the middle class. The more poor they create, the more opportunities there are for them to play Saint. Pathetic.
I'm over it.
The funny thing is that all of hollywood has come. The really funny thing is that Denver could give a shit. Denver is not the place to come if your gorgeous, or famous, or rich and want attention.
My husband noticed that immediately. Where ever he goes people stop and stare. Except here. He has never been given a second glance.
People here are smart, and well read, and well traveled. Your going to have to do allot better than speeches where you talk for hours and say NOTHING.
We do not want Tony Fucking Robbins for President.
Nor do we want 4 more years of the Bush administration.
And contrary to all those sycophant baby boomer women extolling us to "Come together for the good of the party" I'm not voting for either.
I will vote..but not for them.
And it's time we all voted write in or alternate candidates to send a message.
I've be vilified for "talking shit" about Obama. Like he's the cool guy at school and HOW DARE I?! I've seen blogs describing the kind of "loser" that can't get behind him. Something to do with feminism.
UH NO. It's more to do with an ability to size up character. It's more of a realization that the Kennedy era died in the backseat of a convertible in Dallas, and any way the fucker almost got us all blown up during the cold war so why would you WANT to bring it back.
Uncle Teddy is (in my opinion) a murdering DRUNK. (But let's forget that too in favor of "the party").
Obama is acting more like another rich, white, establishment candidate than rich white establishment candidates ever did.
And so I will continue to talk shit.
All stupid people...the CHEERLEADERS..step aside. And we will all shake our heads and laugh when he becomes the George Bush of the Democrats.
Hide and watch. He will.
And you can extol his virtues (that you pick from thin air) all you want. YOu can footnote and research articles PAID JOURNALISTS write. You can bore us with that nonsense till kingdom come. It doesn't make you a writer. It doesn't make Obama a good candidate.

BMX? Really?!

2008-08-20T14:51:00.003-06:00

My husband and I had the best time watching the Olympics last night. We started out proud but ended up rolling on the floor (no..really. Actually..ROLLING.) laughing hysterically.
The announcer comes on and says that BMX is making it's Olympic debut!
We think "Hurray for 14 year olds everywhere. The ones who didn't hole up on the sofa with video games. The ones who were not in the basement downloading naked pictures of their 7th grade teacher. Hurray for the kids who still ride around the neighborhood and run to the store for their mom!" You know? Like WE did. Back in 1894.
So we're watching the little guys GO GO GO! They look so cute in their outfits and their giant helmets. They have names like Butter, and Salad, and Mikey and Dan.
My husband was supplementing the announcer during the race with "Come on Mikey..Butter's brother has the new Penthouse! Race Ya!"
And then it happened.
The race ended. The helmets came off.
Underneath? A bunch of CREEPY middle aged men on bikes so small it looked like they stole them from their kids.
What GROWN ASS MAN races a BMX bike?
Suddenly I can see each of them at the Star Track convention. Suddenly they all look like guys named "Chester" who took up the sport so they could hang with the hot 12 to 14 year old boys in their neighborhood and not be busted.
So. Gross.

Family

2008-08-19T13:52:00.002-06:00

Recently I've been missing my sister.
I don't know why. She is probably the most evil person I've ever met.
I guess I just miss the "idea" of a sister, more than the real deal.
I got a reading (as a birthday present) from a famous Hollywood lady. All I told her was my first name and she proceeded to rattle off things that have happened to me that she could never have guessed at. Things that, trust me, are NOT the norm. lol
When we got to my fathers side of the family she said some interesting things. She said that they were beings that were really really NOT on my level. That the reason we have such conflict is that I am put in their lives (lifetime after lifetime) to make them raise their vibration so that they can get closer to God. But lifetime after lifetime they stumble, and look for reasons to hate me and thus I go higher and they keep coming back repeating ugly old patterns. Each lifetime getting more difficult for them. They were currently making things up in their heads as to why they didn't like me but the bottom line is it's my "light". She also said that although she could see me wanting it to be different..that I had nothing in this life to gain from having them around. That they were all acting out a karma that "trust me" YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET MIXED UP IN.
Then she apologized and said she wished she had better news.
She did say (which was comforting) that she sees that I am with my soul mate. And that she hardly ever gets to say this "R. You will have such a happy life this time."
So that is a comfort.
My biggest problem is that I am so willing to see what I've done wrong in the past and to forgive others even if they have fucked me royally.
I mean, I took this girl from a country bumpkin. Gave her a self-esteem, a major and then moved her out of Texas into my house.
I never complained when she mooched off of me, stole from me, flirted with my boyfriend behind my back (so severely that he would forward her emails to me immediately and say "do something about this") and talk shit about me to people I had known for years.
When I finally got wise, she moved out and we haven't spoken since.
The funny thing?
I got untold emails from friends and relatives she grew up with that were like "THANK GOD YOU GOT THAT SNAKE OUT OF YOUR LIFE."
Which shocked me. I didn't think anyone cared one way or the other.
I have very loyal friends.
So I guess the karma train has indeed visited her.
She married a guy I introduced her to (and warned her not to date). He's the type that can't keep a job no matter WHO is depending on him.
She lives in a house that is worth one tenth of what mine is.
She looks about ten years older than she is (that's called marrying a man who is too much work).
Sad.
My own father lives a sad little life in a trailer after wife number whatever up and left him. So he will die alone.
My paternal grandmother, the one that got all of this shit started from the beginning? She is suffering from Alzheimer's so she can't even remember half of HER evil. She is robbed of the happy memories and her identity as well. Just like she tried to rob me of mine.
Karma is indeed...a bitch.

The CHINESE did the same thing to the olympic medals that they do to our toys...

2008-08-18T22:35:00.003-06:00

Made them worthless.
The ridiculous farce that is the Women's Olympic Gymnastics competition is a true reflection of this country. They are Liars. Sub-par athletes that have convinced themselves (While the rest of the world laughs and thinks...what did you expect from a bunch of lead poisoning, baby killers?) that cheating is a viable way to get a medal.
China..you have turned the Olympics into a joke and a disgrace. But then we expected you to.

I'm Back Bitches!

2008-08-05T22:58:00.002-06:00

Okay so I had to take a little time off of blogging to watch my four year old. And plus I discovered myspace and facebook. That takes up all of my computer time. Plus I have A.D.D. Something that just came about after spending all of my time with a four year old. I am easily distracted. And bored.
Speaking of bored.
Election 08.
Fucking Hell.
The living dead vs Tony Robbins.
I'm sorry. I know people get real up in arms when I talk about Obama. Too bad. This guy is no FDR or Truman. And he isn't (despite the dreamers) a Kennedy.
He is a JUNIOR senator with some shady election tactics. Who gives a good speech about.....Change.
Here is the thing about CHANGE. Change is great if you have a PLAN.
This guy= A changing plan every five minutes.
But...he will win. Because seriously? McCain? I don't think so.

I'm sad for my country. Sad no one better could step up to the plate.

Thank GOD for Texas!!!

2008-04-17T12:57:00.002-06:00

Those were the words that the "escapees" from a FLDS compound said about the raids in San Angelo.
And I agree.
This is a religion for pedophiles and BY pedophiles. It's not even a religion.
After seeing the disconnected gazes and false grief of the women on Larry King, I'm quite certain it's a CULT.
(Was I the only one who noticed the Victoria's Secret bath gel and lotion in the closet of the unmarried girls. Want to know the scent? "Secret Garden" I have it. )
I cannot imagine that every woman who is born there is okay with being rapped by their fathers, brothers and then some random 50 something in the name of the "prophet".
I can't believe the mothers there would all, of their own free will, be okay with having their son's thrown out of the compounds when they are mere teenagers, because they become competition for the pedophiles.
I can't believe that all these children will ever want for themselves is a life of poverty in what starts out as an orphanage and ends in an old folks home. The whole place is run in a soul-less manner. Like an institution. Like a factory for baby rapers.
Here is what I think....those people should NEVER lay eyes on the 4oo some odd children they removed from that place.
Given the statements in interviews from people who said you didn't leave that place you "escaped" I just have to think they will be in a better place with foster families.
Former members talk about having their fathers come into their bedrooms when they were VERY little girls (4, 6, 8) and raping them while the siblings slept right next to them and all the wives approved.
That's just fucking sick.
I hear some people boo hooing the trauma that this is putting on the children. Guess what? It's the same trauma the children have when Meth houses are busted and children are removed.
You break the law, you live outside the moral standards of our law and country.....your kids pay the price.
I think once these children are grown up, they will THANK the only state with common sense enough to take a chance on them. And be very angry indeed with the idiots who spawned them.
And as for the Tanks and the riot gear being excessive?
Let's just remember Waco. Three agents lost their lives trying to wrestle children away from another pedophile, David Koresh.
Thank GOD for Texas!

Dear Obama,

2008-04-12T10:47:00.000-06:00

I would like you to know that I am NOT from a small town. In fact I am from the 4th largest city in America. I currently live in the 5th richest county in America in the most educated well read state in America.
I have NOT lost my job.
So I find it offensive that you imagine me not to be upset about Illegal immigration and people trying to take away my 2nd amendment rights. I am not some small town redneck. My people were and are bankers. When I worked I made well into six figures.
But in the words of someone I know "If even one illegal alien takes a job away from an American that is one wet back too many"
Amen.
I don't have to be in the class you speak of to be infuriated with the things that affect them because these things affect us all. People of all walks of life embrace their religion, their views against trade (giving business to an enemy boggles the mind) their right to own and carry guns and the right to have our borders secure and KNOW who is in our country. Apparently you do not feel the same way. Funny...since you want so badly to represent that small town person.
You have lost my vote fucktard.

Who I won't be voting for

2008-01-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

First of all. Please quit sending me jokes about Hillary Clinton. Several of my friends and relatives are Republicans and they just love love love to send me some weird picture or joke about Hillary.

Stop it!

That is nothing more than sexism and you know it. Some of you sending it are women. For FREAKING shame.
While I get properly pissed off about a Hillary joke...I still won't be voting for her. In my opinion she is a grifter. And more Bill? Please. NAFTA anyone? It's destroying our country.

I also won't be voting for Obama. Sorry Oprah. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? What do we know about him? Anyone can stand up in front of a crowd and tell them what they want to hear. And giving 40 million illegal aliens amnesty? You have LOST. YOUR. MIND. Why don't you just say you are for the destruction of what is left of the unions. Why don't you just go out and say you support slave labor and the middle class tax payer footing the bill for a bunch of sponging law breakers. How bout that? No. Thanks.

And I still am holding off judgement on Edwards. There was some gossip about him fathering a baby by another woman recently. That would make him a slime ball in my view if true. I mean COME ON....anyone can see Elizabeth is having a tough time with this latest cancer battle. I wish her the best but hasn't she suffered a freaking nuff? Anyone who would do such a thing to a woman who buried a child and then has had to fight cancer is not worthy of handling my country. So we'll wait to see how that plays out. Plus? The guy uses more hair products than I do. And I'm from Texas. That's frightening folks.

McCain...OH PLEASE. He's the Corporates voice box. He has nothing to do with me

Romney? Surely you jest. I have known ten or twelve Mormons in my day intimately. Let me tell you something. They are the sweetest, most moral people you will ever know. Never mind that they think black people are decedents of Cain and are going to hell. (Ever seen a black Mormon?) Never mind they think they are tarnishing themselves by associating with you. Never mind they think that unless you convert to their church you too shall BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY. They are lovely upstanding, tax paying, church going people. Who condemn most of the worlds population to burn in hell in their minds on a daily basis. Don't get me started on their "magic underwear". Look it up.

Huckabee? He's a Southern Baptist minister who is also a Republican. He lost me at Southern Baptist. I was raised southern baptist (*shudder*). I know what they are capable of. However I do like his new found attitude on illegal immigration and I agree with everything he says on that score. I'll think about him some more

Giuliani? Now HERE IS A PIECE OF WORK. He betrayed his wife and children. And very publicly at that. If he would do that to the people closest to him..what's he going to do to us? Fuck him. If your children won't even vote for you......

Ron Paul? I just don't think he would be tough enough on illegal aliens. Illegal means ILLEGAL folks. Especially after the worst terrorist attack on our country in it's history. The fact that those borders are not closed boggles the mind. It's my number one concern. It affects our economy, our health, our infrastructure. I need people to get hard core serious about this one. Remember the Alamo!

So...all in all I'm VERRRRY frustrated with this crop of candidates and more jaded than I've ever been in any other election. Everyone I talk to feels the same way. It's like they all come out of the same factory with few distinctions. Oh they all talk a good game but it is all "ballot box morality" as far as I'm concerned. They believe one thing..check a poll and then believe another.
I want someone who wants us to step into the 21st Century with AT LEAST a health system that is as good as other developed countries.
I want a fair tax system
I want our asses out of the middle east
I want us to employ alternative energy and become as self sufficient as Brazille.
I want SAFE FOOD and I want to know where it comes from and what has been sprayed on it.
I want toys that are MADE IN AMERICA
I want unions that protect the AMERICAN worker
I want us to be a "producer" nation again
I want immigration over hauled to make the standards even tougher. (Unless you can find more water out west for all the people coming here....we need to halt the flow of people using it)
I want the environment treated like the precious jewel it is. Do not even GO TO CHURCH and raise your pias hand to God and then exit in your gas guzzling vehicle. You shame yourself.
I want big business to have NO SAY in my government. They've done enough damage.
Is this too much to ask??

A must read

2007-07-13T15:21:00.000-06:00

I just finished "While Europe Slept" by Bruce Bawer.
This is a must read for all smart people concerned about the immigration policies of our country and the socialist losers who try to tell the people how to think at the expense of our national identity and personal freedoms.
If you do not read another book this summer..pick this one up.

**And as a side note to 1138. Pay attention COWARD. I will NEVER publish another one of your comments and I will NEVER read your comments. I have no idea what you've been writing to me. I see those numbers you hide behind and I erase your comments. I do not listen to men who HATE WOMEN. Who FEAR WOMEN SO MUCH THAT THEY FOLLOW THEM TO OTHER BLOGS IN ORDER TO HARASS THEM. I'm sorry if you feel your mother was a whore and your dick is small. Not my problem. Now move along.

I don't want to set the world on fire

2007-06-30T07:50:00.000-06:00

Ahh summertime.

I'm playing the Ink spots. (Seriously. Summer can't even get started until I hear the first strains of "If I didn't caaaaaaare...) I'm drinking Country Time Lemonade out of a mason jar (a splash of scotch..whose looking)

I'm screaming "Shut that damn door. The neighbors can get their OWN air CONDITIONING."

I'm forcing my husband to go to crazy town with me.

My thing this summer is costumes.

If someone invites us over for tacos we're dressing up like Lucy and Desi at the club Bablu. If they are grilling we wear plastic leis.

Hummus? No problem. I've got a tunic for that. My husband breaks out his Phish t-shirt.

I bought my husband a "Daddy hat" to wear while he mows the lawn. And I've been buying him Hawaiian shirts to wear with it. Not those tasteful Panama Jack"CEO going to Antigua" ones either. I'm talking VINTAGE, "ugly American does the Islands circa 1952".

He wears them. Or I give him that..I am GOINGTOSTICKMYHEADINTHEOVENANDDIE look and he just goes with the plan.

I sit in the driveway, wearing my cat's eye, rhinestone shades and four inch gingham peep toe wedges, fanning myself with a trashy novel. I wait till some tight ass suburban Yankee transplant walks by with a stroller. You know the type..they pass out slight nods and imperceptible smiles as if they were giving you a five carat diamond. Then I break into my "Honey..the other day that private detective I hired followed you and it says right here on the bill you went to a CAT HOUSE? Now what the hell do we need another CAT for? You don't even like CATS. Hell you KILLED the last one and damn near danced on her grave. Don't try to pull anything MR. I'm having YOU WATCHED! "

Or I accuse him of being "high" and I make a big show of getting on the phone to call his "sponsor"

I love the irony of a costume in June in the middle of suburbia.

Brad Pitt clearly understands irony, he too owns a daddy hat. I have visions of myself wearing nothing but my cat eye sun glasses, my peep toe wedges and a bottle of baby oil while showing
Brad how to....

Whatever.
Back to losing my mind...
You see...we used to live in a POSH, COOL part of DOWNTOWN Denver. You know....where you can't get a house for under a million.five and you are across the street from anything good and important.

Of course we rented.

We had CULTURE, we had EXCITEMENT, we had streets teeming with life.

The old man who walked the alleys nekked.

The 15 year old with double K boobs who walked to the pool in just her bottoms.

Our pet Peeping Tom. (Actually his name was Frank, and he was very polite if you happened to catch him wanking while looking in windows. He always managed a "howdy")

We had millionaires rubbing knuckles with the "criminal element".

In fact...I remember when Colorado was right in the middle of winning the Stanley cup. We were watching it at a neighbors house. Someone looked outside and said "Hey Jim. There's a guy stealing your two thousand dollar mountain bike". Well we got on the horn to the five oh and they sent 'round (no lie) a HELICOPTER. At first we just thought it was a coincidence and some other shit had to be going down nearby. That is until we saw the search light on the perp down the street as the cops yanked him off Jim's bike. THAT'S SERVICE!

But out here in the sprawl of the burbs life is kind of quiet. If the guy two blocks over spilled changed out of his pocket (remember when people carried CHANGE??!) it would destroy the peace of this place like a nuclear bomb.

I can't take it. Lately I've been feeling very Sylvia Plath. (Thank God we have an electric oven)

There are just not enough crazy people in the suburbs of Colorado for a Southerner to feel at home here. In the south we break bread with people of all religions and political leanings and nationalities. Doesn't mean we won't talk shit about you behind your back and call you trash when you leave..but if your mamma died, we'd bring you a ham and get you drunk.

We don't care if you only bath on the last Tuesday of the month, your granny is a psychic-baptist-preacher who speaks in tongues and predicts the Lord will be here next week, you live out of the back of your Westfalia and you won't eat Chinese because you are convinced it has DOG in it. Bring your granny and Come on over!!!!

Just spare me these inane, boring, mealy mouthed fuck alls who only talk about "Water quality" and "Wind Power" for four hours while sitting on the same Pottery Barn sofa that every other neighbor has in varying shades of Taupe.

It's SUMMER PEOPLE. Let's shake this stuff UP!

World of illusion

2007-05-13T13:05:00.000-06:00

When I was a child growing up, I was the latch key kid of a single, feminist, banker. I woke up and ate cereal with fake berries in it. I put on my fake fiber dress and went to a school that had an entire terrarium of fake plants. For Lunch I ate my processed meat sandwich, on over processed bread, and fake cheese. I washed it down with soda. Which is, after all, the most FAKE of FAKE, over processed beverages.
I got home and had a snack of fake chips (BBQ flavor. I licked off the BBQ powder before consuming the chip) Or processed cheese on processed crackers.
For dinner I had noodles with fake powder and processed meat dogs..or Hamburger mixed with noodles and more fake flavor powder.

Rinse repeat.

I was taught "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all"
"Edit those thoughts Missy. We don't want to hear every little thing that floats into your skull the minute you think it. It's not polite."

And so on and so on.

And So did my friends.

And here we are.

A place where you can say Nothing if it offends certain "groups".
That if our REAL opinion is wanted..someone out there will give it to us.
Some group. Or think tank. Or activist.
Your either on the side of the Jesus freaks who hate everyone non christian (and by christian they mean Methodist, baptist. Not those crazy Mormons, those pedophile catholics and certainly not those gay loving Episcopals!) and think America can do no wrong.
Your thoughts are censored. If you say anything critical toward the govt you are UN AMERICAN or GODLESS or ELITIST!

Or!

Your on the side of the poor and downtrodden. American CAN DO NO RIGHT!
IF you do not censor YOUR thoughts, you are to be named and blamed for racism, fascism. (Or any other 'ism your shrink provided your family with in the 70's.)
We include EVERYONE!
We do not call OTHER cultures living within OUR BORDERS on the mat for being THEMSELVES racist, or elitist, or masochistic, or murdering. Because we must "pity them" and wrap our arms around the "less evolved". We must "welcome them!" and "embrace other cultures!"
If you mention "American Culture" (God forbid!) then you are once again a white supremacist, hater. Never mind your idea of American Culture is colorless.
We are supposed to do this at the expense of the brave American feminist, the union leaders, civil rights leaders, the LENNY BRUCE's, or the Cesar Chavez's of the world who saw THINGS AS THEY WERE.
We are supposed to rewrite history so that we do not OFFEND anyone??!!
Gone are the old "I don't agree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to say it" days.
We've somehow found our way back to the "I don't agree with what you say so I will insult you, hurt you, CONTROL you and try to DESTROY YOU to shut up your foul, offensive oppinions. And they are offensive because I SAY SO. Because you might OFFEND people. Because one or two people out of five hundred million might choose to define themselves by your WORDS and we must prevent that."

And it's not just on the national scale that I speak.
I'm talking about in your neighborhoods....

House upon house filled with faux leather and particle board tables.
A pantry CHOCK FULL OF FLAVORED powdered GOODNESS.
A teevee with endless amounts of False reality with which to engage your time.
And lots of synthetic chemicals to pop in our mouths should we start to "feel" anything other than calm in the face of farce.
A Utopia of ennui, and numbness.

Any hint of conflict is resolved by carefully crafted passive aggression.

And we wonder why kids lose their shit at school these days?

I'm constantly reading of homeless people being beaten to death while others look on and maybe tape it with their camera phones.
Children kidnapped while people look on as though dazed instead of chasing the person down.
People dying in their homes and being found years later by a meter man WHO HAPPENS to look in the window.
We don't know our neighbors.
We don't care about the guy next to us in the checkout line.
Everyone is part of something that is not part of what we're part of even if they live within spitting distance. For YEARS.

Even in our own families it seems it is okay to be false and disloyal. To act like Pods.

I've had to confront false assholes at various times in my life. People who REALLY DO lose the plot.

-My HALF sister (newly met) who moved in with me and was constantly praising me and bringing me things while trying to bed my boyfriend at the time and emailing slanderous shit to my friends. (Unfortunately for her..she forgot the part where they were "MY" friends and she got busted)
When I confronted her smiling face she was FURIOUS at being caught. She couldn't understand how years of passive aggressive techniques had finally failed her.
She is now married to a man who looks good on paper but is a complete shit of a husband and father. YOu know the type...Can't keep a job, Can't help with the kids, Can't do anything that might interfere with his "gotta be me ME MEEEE" philosophy. And rather than SEE THE REAL, she would stay miserable so as not to put that "divorced" title on herself. So she can maintain the illusions she created. If only in her mind.

-My sister-in-law who tried to keep my husband in some sort of strange dynamic that has existed with them since childhood. She refused to see him as the success that he is. The good father that he is. The GOOD MAN that he is. Despite all evidence. She works her ass off to pay for everything she buys to keep up the illusions SHE has created since her husband works part time and spends the other time flying back to see the mistress he has had since BEFORE they were married! (I'm sorry but you have got to have some seriously thick, rose hued glasses or good drugs to stay with a man that shows you a video of himself cheating on you.)
I rejected her pigeon hole of my husband and told her so. She came at me with both barrels. She surrounds herself with family (she has no friends. No really..SHE DOESN'T) who tolerate and support her madness so as not to have to confront her. To show her the mirror, so to speak.
When I did she was FURIOUS. I think I nearly drove her insane telling her about 45 years worth of shit she needed to hear.

Pushed. I push back.

I am CERTAINLY not above creating MY own reality. But like Lincoln I surround my self with friends who are not afraid to disagree with me. However they will also not criticize to get ME somewhere that makes THEM feel better about themselves. They will listen and support and also say "Bitch, please..OPEN YOUR EYES".
And I do.
Those people are so rare.

Moral= Beware of people in the prime of their lives WITH NO FRIENDS. There IS a reason.

I guess the world of Falseness was never so apparent as it is since I became a mother.
The things women refuse to acknowledge. To say. To ADMIT.
After weeks of a bully hitting my daughter on the playground, while I sat back quietly and let his mother deal with him (she is a friend) I decided, I can't let her (my little girl) be part of a false world. And I can't sit back and allow this woman to have one son in her mind and another on the playground. I am going to teach my daughter to open her mouth, defend herself and see things for how they are.
The next time he hit her (the mother did her usual "Don't do that again son!") and my daughter ran up to me crying, I kissed her boo boo. Then I got down on her level and right in front of the mother and everyone said "Honey. If he hits you again, grab something and beat the shit out of him. I'm not raising you to be a victim. People are not allowed to hit you. Ever. They hit you once, you yell.
Twice, you tell
The third time...just get freaking even."
Then I got off MY ASS and I told my friend that it wasn't just TODAY, it wasn't just MY KID and it wasn't IN OUR MINDS and we were NOT BEING SILLY. He is AGRESSIVE. And I won't allow him or anyone to hurt her.
She finally took that boy to the counseling the teachers had been recommending for him since birth. But she had to lose all of her friends and his playmates and his spot in private school to do it. To finally SEE.
And my kid had to get hurt before I woke the hell up and stopped worrying about ruffling feathers..

I want many things for her. Organic REAL food. Real clothing. Real opinions. REAL feelings. Things that come to her and teach her and mold her. Not those things that will dull her instincts, and her ability to really LIVE and MAYBE change the world. Instead of becoming stifled and strangled by it.

The Sheeple Inn

2007-05-09T11:22:00.000-06:00

I hate television.
Which just pisses everyone off who knows me. WEEKLY I get calls from girlfriends wanting to discuss "Gray's Anatomy". And every week I have to declare to a disgusted and bemused listener "I've NEVER SEEN GRAY'S ANATOMY I DON'T WATCH TELEVISION!"
I will never need to watch it because I've had to hear endless hours of plot lines and analysis from people WHO DO.
So...having said "I do not watch tee vee"....
Here are the shows I am utterly addicted to:
1. Dog the Bounty Hunter
I don't miss it. I LOVE THAT GUY. Okay I get sick of his smarmy trying to save the world thing. But I know he means well and isn't doing it for "ratings". I appreciate that he tries. Personally I think all those losers he catches are lost causes but whatever. And I love me some BETH!!

2. Tori and Dean Inn love
Okay..I was sitting in bed waiting for the Xanax to kick in. QVC was showing nascar merch and we all know how I feel about THAT scrum...so I started flipping. I landed on Tori Spelling's new show. Now, I haven't seen this chick since 90210 and don't know much about her. Everything I read makes me want to smack her. Surprisingly? I LOVE HER. The show is eh..but she and Dean seem really sweet. (Apart from him abandoning his family to hook up with her and she her husband...)
The Tori and Dean thing made me revisit my desire to open a B&B.
I love having guests and I have fantasies about having a business where I can try out gourmet recipes and have wine tastings. I love to entertain. The problem (Which Tori is finding out) is that whether it is your friends or the public, or relatives....people are fucking crazy.
I have had an endless parade of people through here every year I've lived in Colorado. Which is going on 15 years...
I know all the best places to take them. I research their dietary needs, likes, dislikes, and plan gorgeous menu's around them. I spray rose water on 1000 thread count sheets and make sure their towels smell like lavender.
I give everyone their own soap and send them off with many pics and parting gifts.
My guests pretty much run my house and my life the entire time they are here.
For the most part I love this. I love having my friends. They are the best guests ever
Others...not so much
Some people are just fucking MISERABLE in their lives and their marriages and being around "happy" makes them nuts.
They grouse, and bitch, and complain.
They are ungracious and show their asses.
So I think, should I ever take the plunge and actually OPEN a B&B..I'm going to make everyone fill out psych quizzes.
That would eliminate the riffraff. And the relatives.

Mamma's don't let your babies grow up to be rednecks.

2007-03-17T01:02:00.000-06:00

So....I'm checking out all of my inlaws myspace pages. I've come to the realisation that my husband and I are the only ones on their "friends list" that do not have pictures of ourselves standing next to gutted animals.
Huh.
My people were bankers. We stood next to banks.
I'm not saying we didn't hunt occasionally. This WAS east TExas.
But mostly my male cousins ran off to the woods with my grandfather to hang out, talk boy talk, and get stoned. And by "get stoned" I mean watch my 80 year old grandfather smoke a fat one. While they looked on. REspectfully trying not to laugh.
He acquired the habit from the boys at the community pool he was supposed to be protecting my honor from. I guess he did that right, they were scared to death of him. Especially after they saw him punch out some drunk 19 year old that looked sideways at me in a bikini. He was old as dirt but tough as nails.
The old stoner.
I was kind of hoping it would mellow his ass out. But no. We still had to dress for dinner.
Anyway...back to the rednecks.
My husband and I have decided that this weekend we are going to go up to the mountains and bag us a kill.
And by bag a kill I mean stand next to road kill and take our pictures.
I found a camo skirt that I plan to pair with a black tank top and my green Prada slingbacks.
We are hoping to get of good pic of my husband holding up a dead squished bunny and looking tough while I stand by Vanna White style with an iron frying pan.
There is this one picture his brother Tim has. He is standing in the back of his pickup truck with a dead cougar and a dead wolf. (I'm pretty certain one of those are on an endangered list SOMEWHERE) Maybe it's not a wolf. Maybe it's a coyote. It's all fur to me.
To counter..We are going to find every dead thing we can and throw it in the back of my husbands company truck. (Er..SUV. It will have to do)
Rats, birds, bunny's, maybe we'll get lucky and find a squirrel. Do the EXACT same pose as Tim.
This is going to be good.

This is what happens....

2007-03-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

When you allow Mexico to invade the United States....

http://www.laweekly.com/general/features/the-town-the-law-forgot/15731/

Are you ready?

Bang-Zoom! To the Moon Alice..to the moon!

2007-02-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is some absolute crazy sh** right here!

I mean COME ON SISTER! Have some freaking PRIDE. It's just A MAN. And we all know that men are just like buses. You miss one....there will be another.

I can hear the producers at Lifetime television now "Get me Daphne Zuniga, Mark Harmon, and one of the old Charlies Angels! Stat!"

If Daphne is smart she will demand script approval and excise that little diaper detail RIGHT OUT. It will be hard to come off as sympathetic or even scary when the audience is imagining what your ass must have smelled like on/about Mississippi!

I dunno. I can see me getting that mad if
A. I was Pms'ing
B. And..had not eaten
C. ..for three days

But seriously, once I got across the Texas state line I would be thinking about the best place to pull over and get some gumbo. I would have NEVER donned a diaper if the man were Johnny Depp his damn self. (Wait. Would I? Errrrrrr....uhhhhhh.....okay..NO)

Doesn't she know she lost him in Pasadena? Men hate this kind of dramatic bullcrap.

They like a bitch.

The bitchier the better. Which explains why I've had so many stalkers. I define BITCH. I would have looked at that playa Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein and said "Wow. Your a handsome man for fifty five! (he's forty something) You remind me of my dad! Only he has more hair"

I'd nickname him "Geritol".

"Whoo hoo..look-n GOOD Geritol! Nice muscles. Can you mix steroids and viagra??!!"

That's the kind of sand that produces pearls, girls. Take a note. He would follow my ass for miles. Wearing a diaper.

They love em some bitches.

If she has any sense AT ALL, she is dying a slow death of complete mortification right this minute. Her children deserve that much.

Small hours

2006-12-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've been delving into the land of the "in between" lately. Reincarnation. You know...schtuff. lol
Anyway..it's soooo amazing to get an insight on different people's place in your life. And no matter what betrayals or hardships I've faced I still see that I am soooooo blessed. I must have been STELLAR at some point in my previous lives.
I've not seen THAT lifetime. But seriously..sooo lucky.
I've pretty well won the genetic lottery. (As has anyone who is born healthy and not begging on a street in India as far as I'm concerned) I have a husband that I'm mad about and who is mad about me. I have amazing friends. I love my life.
I keep having this dream about my ex D.
If you look at all the hardest times in my life they only really have ONE common thread...D was there to save me.
And though he was no "big love" kind of thing. He was certainly more than a "booty call."
I remember once having a mental breakdown in the bathtub in college. Some serious shit had gone down in my personal life and ON TOP OF IT I'm faced with one of those make or break exams that you just CANNOT FAIL on.
In the middle of it he calls.
I'm hysterical. I don't cry in front of boys.
I barely cry in front of ANYONE.
And there I am in the bathtub LOSING MY SHIT.
He just says "Get the book. Let's break it down."
Now D is a Rocket Scientist. And not in that proverbial way. In that LITERAL way. Homey is LITERALLY a f'ing ROCKET SCIENTIST. (I know..I can pick em). (Oh..And? He looks just like a younger Richard Gere. I set a friend up with him after I married and she called saying "OMG..he is a dead ringer for RICHARD FREAKING GERE. HE COULD BE RICHARD GERE'S SON. *he's not!* WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" Cause no one ever believes me till they see him!)
So he listens to the chapter summaries and he breaks the whole thing down to probabilities and math and stuff that flies right over my head. He tells me to pull my ass together and out of the bath and to (my fav phrase to this day..) TAKE A NOTE!"
So he tells me the logical things that will be asked on a 50 question test out of 500 pages of material. Turns out he is GOOD at this probabilty thing and I ace the damn test.
Another time I'm seconds from offing myself and AGAIN he calls. Moves me across the country. Saves me.
He enters and exits my life so smoothly and gracefully. Because of his job there is never any rhyme or reason to his comings and goings except that they coincide with my needing him most and my ready to move forward.
Several times I've had this dream where I'm hiking alone and I fall into a hole that I never saw coming. His hand is the first thing I see when I look up.
In one dream the song "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas is playing and he is singing it to me. (he has THE sexiest singing voice and sounds much like Thomas come to think of it...)
Which is odd because I had not heard it recently and I'm not a big fan.
Any hoo. My last regression I saw that D was in my soul group. And that he is actually HERE to help me (along with do things along his own path)
But how great is a higher power, God, whatever label you attach..to send such magnificent people.
I guess I've thought of him so much because he recently married. Which makes me know with S I am in truly good hands.

And here it is.......

2006-11-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

The day the Republican party get their ass handed to them.
Boy, looking back at the past six years...makes you long for that stained blue dress doesn't it?
I just voted. It's going to be a shocker when people wake up tomorrow and find Colorado is now a blue state.
We've been heading that way for the past few years. We've got the most college degrees, the youngest population, the most well read and are regularly found to be the thinest. All things that should clue you in to the fact that people here THINK. And when you think...you question. And when you question you come to the obvious conclusion which is...WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. GOING. ON. HERE?
Today on the Colorado ballot was an amendment to the constitution that would DENY the rights of gay people. Not GIVE them rights. DENY them rights. The evangelicals were unsuccessful in keeping people in slavery, denying women the right to vote, keeping children in labor slavery, keeping black and white people from marrying, and NOW they are trying to keep gay people from having the same rights as hetero couples. It's just so sick.
As if a Gentle Jesus would equate two tax paying consenting adults with man on donkey or man on monkey or whatever.
I don't care how grossed out you are by the mental picture it paints for you..hell I find the prospect that my Neighbor sleeps with her creepy husband more disgusting but I'm not going to deny her the right to make a bad choice.
We'll see.

***UPDATE*** Those machines everyone was freaking out about are proving worth freaking out about. The voting center in my neighborhood has had the computers you vote on go offline for a few hours today. According to neighbors they are STILL not up. Same thing in Denver. The lines are out the door everywhere. Almost the entire population of Colorado votes so this is going to get interesting.

I pimp dead people

2006-10-23T14:23:00.000-06:00

Ignatius is on You Tube!!!
You can check him out here or directly here

Old Pavlov had a dog eee iii eee iii OH!

2006-10-01T20:24:00.000-06:00

Just when you thought the "family values party" couldn't get ANY MORE DELICIOUS....they do.
Now, if I don't see the democrats pounding on and on and on and on and on about the PEDOPHILE that just resigned and the pedophile enablers in the house ....then I will know that I made a great choice when I changed my party affiliation to Independent.
What. In. The. World.
Here is what I would love to see happen to this guy. And all the other pedophiles of the world. You get either the death penalty (burned alive works)...OR you get to go to the barn.
IN this barn scientist would hook your brain up to probes. Probes that can detect when you are thinking about children as sex objects. Every time this happens, some big guy/gal with steel toe boots would smash your face in with a power kick to the nose. This would go on and on until you are cured enough to spend the rest of your life in solitary confinement eating pig shit.
Just a suggestion.

Let those with eyes see....

2006-09-27T21:33:00.000-06:00

See the move America: Freedom to Fascism.
See the trailer here.

Take that

2006-09-20T16:55:00.000-06:00

I occasionally get email and comments from people I banned from my blog. And to this I say to you..I will not be censored by your idea of political correctness. I have always been and will always be an equal opportunity offender with my opinions. Be you of a particular race, sex, political party or class. If something freaks me out I'm going to blog about it. I'm not trying to write a column, I am blogging. My opinions. You can agree or disagree, either way it doesn't affect me. Unlike many bloggers I don't aim for an audience and I don't count comments. It's just me. Being an AMERICAN exercising free speech. If that offends you..might I suggest clicking on the red X in the corner of this page for your convenience. Find it and then get lost.

Sad justice for Donnie Young

2006-09-15T17:49:00.000-06:00

The verdict is in. Raul Gomez-Garcia was found guilty of SECOND DEGREE murder in the assassination of off duty Denver Policeman Donnie Young. He was ineligible for the death penalty or 1st degree murder because the cowardly illiterate cock roach crawled back into Mexico and that was what the D.A. had to agree to, in order to get his dumb ass back here.
Poor Raul. His family just came here for a "Better Life". Unfortunately his, and many other illegal aliens idea's of a better life does not include partaking in the free education system. (One in four Hispanic males finish high school. Education must no long equate "better life")
No, apparently getting FREE medical care on my dime is a better life. Getting our identities and trashing our credit reports equals "a better life".
Did you know that an average of 25 Americans per MONTH die at the hands of an illegal alien? That, of course, is not counting the deaths caused by medicine resistant T.B. and other lovely diseases that march across our southern border every day. Diseases that were once eradicated in our country because we used to SCREEN immigrants for such things.
Rauls dad came here with his family from Mexico so he could better himself. On the street's of L.A. Where he sold drugs. I'm guessing he didn't pay taxes. Raul dropped out of school around 9 years old. Somewhere along the way he had four illegitimate children (Did I mention Raul is only 21?) with other illegal women and guess who is paying for them? YOU!
Raul will now get to go and have his ass wiped for the next 96 years by the American tax payer. An American would have been sentenced to death.
I am sick to death of "poor babying" people who get a different version of government than the rest of us.
An AMERICAN who steals your identity is called a "felon"
An American who is not in a union and works a union job for less is called A SCAB.
An American who is proved to have murdered a person with premeditation is usually found guilt of 1st degree murder.
Raul claimed in his defense that he was just trying to scare the officers for denying him entry into a party that he was not invited to at a local club. Yet, he smiled and said he was "happy" that the dark haired one had died because that is the one who embarrassed him, when they arrested him in Mexico. Did you notice the tear drop tattoo on his cheek he got as a trophy?
This is happening all over our country. Yet I'M the bigot for pointing this out. No friends. We are not bigots. We're are being played for fools. And WE AMERICAN'S are the oppressed.
It's time we stop footing the dime for Republicans cheap labor. Raise a head of lettuce please. It's cheaper than the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR PER ANCHOR BABY I'm paying now.
And stop buying the politically correct bullshit the Right would foist on you for not agreeing to be their sucker.
Send them all home. Then close that fucking border.

The things that stick

2006-09-11T16:41:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about Sept 11th and how the only ones among us that do not remember it are only five, six, seven years old.

But one day our grandchildren will want to know where WE were during that time. How we found out. What were our reactions. How will time shape that answer?

Our great great grandchildren's generation will start hearing things like "The last survivor of Sept 11th died today"

Already there is a willingness to forget. On the front page of our paper here is a tribute. When you turn to the page where it picks up the story the rest of the page is Bronco's news and pictures.

I'm pissed we have to keep going over it. I feel it makes our enemies glad.

In September of 2001 I was a newlywed. I hated my job and had been sending out resume's via Monster. Two days before the terrorist attack I got a form letter from a company in one of the Tower's telling me "We have recieved your resume, should we find your qualifications match..blah blah blah." I remember balling it up and saying "F' you. Why do they kill trees for this crap?"

On September 11 the day started with my phone ringing off the hook. Me and all of my friends were telecommuters (that means we worked from home) for our various companies and none of us got out of bed before 9. So the fact that the phone is ringing before then...not good news. I assumed it was going to be about my crazy mother. I was trying to gather the energy to get up and face whatever it was when I heard the fighter jets going over my house. Stephen sat up. "What the hell..?" Nothing could explain why those things would be flying over air space that was directly over downtown Denver. Especially not over and over again.

I checked my voicemail. No one really said what it was. I had five or six messages that all said the same things
"Oh my God!!! Are you watching this?? Turn on the news, my God!"

"Are you guys up? Turn on CNN Quick."

"This is unreal man. Unfuckingreal. Whew. Call me"

"My buddy is meeting at the Towers today for our company. Shit man, I hope he wasn't there yet. Call me"

Towers? What towers?
I turned on Cnn just in time to see the first tower collapse.
"Stephen. You'd better get up."

We sat in front of the television in shock for hours. Friends starting coming over. No one talked. They just knocked, I let them in and we sat staring at the teevee. Waiting for answers. For something to make sense.

At some point I got dressed and we all went downtown to watch it from The Cherry Cricket. At least there we could drink and be around others. The place was quiet. The mall across the street had been closed "just in case". In retrospect It seems ridiculous to think that their targets would have been, World Trade Centers, White House, Pentagon, and Foley's in Denver. But that day no one could think. THINK. Nothing computed.

My friend G kept calling his buddy on his cell over and over and over. He found out later that he was meeting with clients on the floor that the plane hit. He was certainly dead immediately.
The people who sent me that letter confirming they got my resume. Certainly dead.

The weeks after were a blur. No one went to work. I spent the days on the couch crying with all the relatives holding up pictures of their loved ones. "Have you seen Jack? He is a father of my three children, he has brothers here looking for him. Jack if you see this call us!!! Please honey, just tell us where to find you!"
Were Jack's remains ever found?

My grandmother died a few days after. The woman who raised me. The airport was still closed and since my family in Houston waited until THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL to tell me, driving was not an option. So even more mourning.

Eventually you have to put it behind you and I guess we did.

Occasionally something will put me back to those days.

A young couple who from some sort of fateful decision, (he worked in one of the towers, but missed work...I forget the story) escaped death that day in New York. They moved to Evergreen here in Colorado. They wanted to be safe. One Saturday they came down to Denver to look at furniture. She was expecting another baby. On the way home a girder fell from a freeway bridge and killed them all. The husband, pregnant mother, and their toddler daughter. A total freak accident.
They would still be alive if they had stayed.

So many victims. So many horrible memories.

You know it's hard out here for a pimp ....

2006-09-05T19:02:00.000-06:00

When he tryin to get this money for the rent (you ain't knowin)
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent (you ain't knowin)

It's fucked up where I live,
but that's just how it is
It might be new to you,
but it's been like this for years
It's blood sweat and tears
when it come down to this shit
I'm tryin to get rich
'fore I leave up out this bitch
I'm tryin to have thangs
but it's hard fo' a pimp
But I'm prayin and I'm hopin to God I don't slip, yeah
-Terrence Howard (DJay) Feat. Taraji P. Henson (Shug) Lyrics

BFF 4evah!!

2006-09-03T23:04:00.000-06:00

So an exboyfriend talked me into getting a myspace. Making me instantly suspicious that he might be a pedophile. Thanks to dateline and 60 minutes and those type of shows I have in my mind a place where teenaged girls and the pedophiles that adore them go.
BUT IT'S LIKE....SO NOT! Ohmawgawd! I lurrrve it.
Teeny language aside, it kicks bloggers ass.
I like that I can customize my layout without much computer knowledge. I've changed it forty times in the month I've been on. It's a redecorating dream.
And you can have MUSIC!!! Videos if you want.
Plus, you can make it private so every freak on earth who disagrees with you can't get in. And really? Why would they.
When your trying to stalk a person via a blog it's just "Get a life" time, you know?
The best thing is that it suits my lazy ass.
I have to actually WRITE something to get feedback here. There..you can just send someone a shout out for no good reason. Just to say "hey. how's it going".
It's my new crack.

Jesus Christ!

2006-09-02T23:07:00.000-06:00

When did everybody become "Born Again"?!?!?!
Recently, a good friend from high school died. This prompted a mini email memorial among me and some girlfriends that I keep in touch with. One sent something an old (lets call her coach) sent her and said that this coach always asked about me. My reply was along the lines of "F** that bitch".
This woman made my life a living hell in high school. She capitalized on every insecurity I had and God help you if you tried to defend yourself.
I ran into her when I was in college at a friends' wedding. I had been put on hormones temporarily for a "female problem" and gained (also temporarily) some weight. She looked at me and said "Goodness. Look at you! You looked like a concentration camp victim in school and now your FAT fat fat!" She said this with a big smile like she was just giving me the best compliment EVER.
Yeah, so I was real excited to see something from HER in my email inbox last month.
She told me all about herself. The second paragraph she told me about Jesus.
Okay...first of all? I find it insulting that you automatically ASSUME I need telling about Jesus. I am a very spiritual person. I just don't feel the need to put it on a t-shirt. Second of all? Telling people you don't really know anymore, haven't kept contact with, and were not all that friendly when you did..ABOUT JESUS, is creepy. Your creepy.
I mean, if I am strung out, and crying on your shoulder cause I just smoked the last dregs of my crack pipe and then killed my entire family..sure. Tell me. Tell me alllll about Jesus. Please.
Since then I've come into contact with other old friends who have done the same thing. Three to be exact. It's beyond inappropriate. It's like they are trying to cover up some weird secret about themselves. "I left my wife and six kids after getting caught with a prostitute in the family station wagon but now I have Jesus so don't judge me and PLEASE let me tell you about the Lord."
And what VERSION of Jesus are they trying to sell me? The Eau De Jesus. The "essence" of Jesus that was given to them by some guy who wears five hundred dollar suits on Sunday's and has his words magnified on three plasma screens, while a state of the art sound system projects his voice to a stadium fool (misspelling on purpose) of listeners?Or the REAL Jesus. The one that, if he lived today, would live in Yurt somewhere in a country that doesn't support wholesale slaughter of persons for profit. Instead of shopping at Walmart, he would weave his own cloth from goats he raised himself to insure that no dyes were tested on animals and no children working in sweat shops sewed them. His furniture would be of wood from his own trees and not from a store that benefits from massive deforestation. And I'm guessing he would ride a mule to avoid the whole pandering to the evil oil and gas empire.
You wouldn't find him at your church taking collections, cause from everything I've read... Jesus would use any monies received on feeding an orphan and not expanding the Sunday school refreshment area.
The guy is/was a SERIOUSLY hard ass act to follow. So it shocks me when someone discovers the local Church of The Living Buy More Shit and then goes forth to convert me.
Maybe I think too hard about things. But at least I embrace my heathen ways with eyes wide open.
To recap:
Conscious living + Yurt = Jesus
Going to church on Sundays in your SUV + wearing clothing from China= Shut the hell up.
Which I will now do.

I didn't sign up for this!

2006-08-15T13:32:00.000-06:00

When I pictured motherhood, I pictured myself hanging out around the blow up pool, colored drink in hand, reading a fabulously trashy novel. Occasionally I'd give her a cupcake and then run to the mall before she figured out I was gone. She would have tons of dolls, and about three books. I would arrange playdates with the "cool mothers" and we would discuss the wild boys of our college days and the merits of various recreational drugs. I'd play Depeche Mode and dance in the yard with her little friends.
RRRrrrrrrrrpppppppppppp.
Yeah, that picture of motherhood apparently went out in '75. I'm just getting the memo.
Did you know that between the ages of 18 month's and 3 years is the most optimal period for a child to learn to read?
That they should be exposed to fine art and classical music and lots of it, especially in the first six years?!
That ideally you will have them potty trained before their first birthday?!
Well guess what? It is, they should, and you do.
Especially if you live in among the most educated populous in the nation. Neighbors looked upon my one and a half year old as "challenged" since she could not identify the majority of the alphabet. I had no idea!!!
So that is what I've been doing this summer.
Schooling my child. And not in preschool since it seems like every child molester in the country has decided to take up residence in the Colorado preschool system. I read about a new pervert getting arrested every week which makes me wonder about all the Chesters they HAVE NOT caught.
She can now pick out words in a sign.
She owns not three books, but three hundred. All of them Caldecott or Newberry winners.
She can do her own laundry. (The montessori method stresses that a child should learn at an early age to do every day household chores. Clean up, scrub toilets etc. Hell, I convinced my mother that was child abuse, back when I was little! Long long ago....)
She can make her own sandwich.
She can open the front door and scream "Hey..Just GOWAY" when someone knocks.(no idea who taught her that. Must remember to chain door)
And she can mix a mean martini. (Hey, it's 1975 SOMEWHERE)
Her friends are all in families that wouldn't know how to pronounce Depeche Mode if forced by gunpoint, and didn't have wild college boyfriends since they married their high school sweethearts.
Pretty good for a TWO YEAR OLD.
Exactly what do they learn in kindergarten? Calculus??
I'm in hell.
And how was your summer?

Gee...ya think?

2006-06-28T09:13:00.000-06:00

Someone explain to me why my fellow liberals are standing in a room with an Elephant and asking why the room is shrinking?
Blog after blog after blog is going on about their disgust over the minimum wage not being raised. Again.
Let me help you out.
They. Will. Never. Raise. The. Minimum. Wage. As. Long. As. There. Are. TWENTY FUCKING MILLION PEOPLE HERE ILLEGALLY TO DO THE JOB AT A LOWER WAGE. NEVER. Why should they?
Think of any job that pays minimum wage.
I'll wait.
Go ahead.
List them all in your head.
Now, are you ready?
They are NOW being done by illegals.
They have replaced hard working American's who have to do crazy stuff like buy insurance for their families and pay taxes with people who don't. By law they can get FREE (re:on your dime) health care by going to the E.R. and they don't pay taxes because they don't have valid I.D.'s. No...those were stolen. So someone else is getting their tax bill.
Figure it out.
There is a leaky pipe in the basement folks. The first thing you do is turn off the water and then pump it out.
Democrats seem to think that the first thing you do is move the furniture out. They and the Republicans would have you believe that to turn the water off is not Politically Correct.
Sorry. Not buying it.
If wanting to protect the poorest AMERICAN makes me a bigot.
Throw your mud.
Your still wrong.

In memorandum

2006-05-28T19:12:00.000-06:00

On this memorial day I will remember my grandfather.
He fought for this country in WWII.
When he came home he raised four of his own children and hundreds of those who belonged to men not man enough to raise them.
My cousin and I included.
When he died I got dozens of emails from boys in our neighborhood writing to say that they are the men they are today because of his wisdom and influence.
I say Thank You to all of those who came before us and made it possible for us to live the lives we lead today. The ones who fought in popular wars, and the ones who fought in the unpopular ones.
I will say thanks to my cousin who is named after my grandfather. A boy who put down his ipod and picked up a gun. Come home safely soldier.
And thank you to all of the men and women whose hearts are with us but lives are across the world.
Thank you.

First of all....know what your talking about

2006-05-19T08:56:00.000-06:00

Mexico is one of the richest nations on the planet.
Mexico has one phone company (telmex) owned by ONE FAMILY.
The concrete in all of mexico comes from ONE FAMILY.
The entire economy of Mexico is controlled by a handful of FAMILIES.
And it would take very little pressure to change that.
You have a handful of familes and the Catholic church benefiting from a population that they LOVE to keep breeding and poor and uneducated.
Now. Big Business America see's this. And they are excited. They think "listen, this is what we need!!" A HUGE UNEDUCATED POOR from which to pull our people from. Or hell, if we can flood enough people in here...AN EDUCATED POOR. That would end the unions, end all the benefits, and protections that are required for these pampered middle class. We will rule the government and the economy and THEY will be glad for a scrap of meat.
How's that working out?
Unions...gone.
High Tech jobs...overseas.
Figure it out.
The Republicans AND the Democrats are in this together. They are all controlled now by big business and the church.
And if you object.
YOU my friend are a racist.
Sorry. I don't like Kool-Aid.
And 1138? Stop emailing me. It's psycho. And stop harrassing my friends. You need help.

Sticking it to the man...(or why I'm sitting here freezing my ass off)

2006-05-11T00:12:00.000-06:00

Did I mention the low tonight would be in the twenties?
F***!!
So my husband has perrrrrfect credit. I mean PERFECT. 970 or 650 or 720 or whatever perfect is. I haven't seen perfect credit since I was 13. But that is because THE MAN is always keeping me DOWN.
Oh, yeah..and the shoe fetish.
Anyway. Where was I? The cold is making it hard for my brain to power up.
Mr. Perfect Credit likes things paid ON TIME. (whatever) And I oblige. Most of the time. The gas bill.....not so much.
Our gas company? You can pay late and it doesn't affect your credit one iota. So I've somehow got it in my head that they don't really really want the money until the second cut off notice. And part of me has wild fantasies that I'm causing BIG ORL (as we call em in Texas) cash flow problems by withholding my three hundred and ninety nine dollars until the last possible second.
And despite the fact we always have more than enough money to cover our bills, I'm not above paying the guy they send to shut us off. Price gouging, opportunistic, corporate bastards. I love the thought of making him drive around with my check (Is it good? Will he have to come back?) burning a hole in his Dickies.
But it gets paid. Eventually.
According to Daddy Do-right "That is not acceptable behavior from an adult." (Oh please! I'll be the pretty one, you be the smart one. Happy?) Especially one who holds his credit in the balance. (First I'm accused of having your balls in my purse....) So Mr. Fretington has decided FROM NOW ON he will PAY THE BILLS.
So he has been.
Fine.
So then why do we have NO HEAT????
I actually think it was an accounting error or someone forgot to log something in the computer. Or, perhaps, they are on to my game and paybacks are a bitch.
I know when he paid them and when it cleared and technically he did it correctly and ON TIME. (not that this stops me from running around the house in two sweaters and three pairs of socks clutching my baby tightly and looking at him like he has FAILED his family)
I seriously have to run to another room and laugh as he sputters and digs in drawers and looks up dates in his check book.
This is beyond HILAREOUS!!
Well. Except for the part where no one can come and turn it back on until Friday.....

More reasons to shut the border.

2006-05-10T10:46:00.000-06:00

Wake up America. And learn how you are "subsidizing your own displacement".
How can we continue to let, what amounts to invasion, continue??
If FOUR THOUSAND ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS crossing our border PER DAY is not an invasion....tell me what is.
And they are coming here for a better life? Really? Then why do one in four graduate? Three out of four high school dropouts will go through the corrections system. Who is paying for that?
Let's have more "Days without (illegal) immigrants"
Let's have whole centuries.
Let's have the tax payers in my state pay ONE BILLION DOLLARS less in social services.
Let's have a lower birthrate
A lower drop out rate
A lower crime rate
A lower drug rate
How many more of Mexico's poor are you willing to have them import?
How many is enough?

Why Amnesty Is Evil

2006-04-13T09:16:00.000-06:00

Here is how it works folks, since some of you seem to be confused.
A mexican mafia person comes into your village. He says "Hey, how would you like to go to America, Chicago, make some better money for your family?"
You say "I would love to go. But I do not have the money"
He says "I know a guy who would lend you the money. He'll take you to Chicago, you get a job, start paying him back with a little interest." Sounds good.
Problem.
You get to Chicago, you get a job, you start wiring money back and they take it all. Everytime. You cannot say anything because they know where your family lives.
This is what having a PORT OF ENTRY stops.

No Port of Entry..you get things like the Rape Tree. To see that since Blogger will not let me link..go to desertvisions.us forward slash tree.swf
(Funny, I've never had problems linking before)

This is not compassion people. This is not "liberal" This is pure evil.

Clearly, I've died.

2006-04-09T12:47:00.000-06:00

"It is a curse to live in interesting times" -Chinese Proverb

I have either died or I am trapped in a nightmare in which the normal laws of morality and society no longer apply.
I am constantly facinated and horrified by the things that come flying at me on a daily basis.
To illustrate my point...let's read this together and play "what is wrong with this story" (The writer has the same name as I do, but is NOT me. Trust me)
Here are a few things that bother me.
1. The cops could not interview him because he spoke limited english.
-Um WHAT??!
2. He was NOT ARRESTED.
- Uh...come again???
3. The entire article somehow morphs into how great it is that the girl knew martial arts. Where she takes them. What her mother thinks about martial arts....
- He was not going to take her to disney we can assume. Lets get back to the point of this story, shall we?!
I mean can you DREAM of a more ridiculous slant to this story. Never mind how it's being handled, if this reporters account is correct.
What. The. F*** people?!

Another thing that is blowing my mind out of my skull and onto the wall.
Did I IMAGINE Bush saying that he was going to find out who leaked Vallerie Plame's identity and punish them? He DID say that right? I'm not just having a reaction to my cleaning supplies? (Ha! Yeah, like I clean. Now I know I'm dreaming!)
Then we find out HE was the leak. THE PRESIDENT. And the response. "Yeah, um, so what."
WTF?!!!!!
And we IMPEACHED Clinton for LYING ABOUT MONICA LEWINSKY?
Can I get a What? What??!

The apathy of this country drives me insane. We want to give amnesty to those poor people willing to come here and drive down wages and destroy unions, bankrupt our social services all the while carrying flags of the home land and chanting "LA RAZA. We will take back these states for Mexico". Yeah, way to be grateful fuckers. Way to send the poor and middle class back to poverty for the sake of cheap labor (Republicans) and votes (Democrats).

I have come to the conclusion that your average joe has limited knowledge of what ACTUALLY is right. And that morality is what feels good. That political correctness has replaced our love of country and our duty to our union.

Wake me. Before I vote for Tancredo.
Wake me before I live in a place where the President can commit treason and everyone just sort of sighs and lets it slide.
Wake me before I realize that America no longer has a representitive government because we have given it over to big business and special interest groups.

Vote!

2006-03-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Okay...our friends over at Bring It On! are neck and neck with Daily Kos for best community blog. We've gotta fix THAT injustice now. If anybody is winning this thing, By God, it's going to be OUR people. Go vote for Bring it on!
It's kind of hinky. You do it by leaving a comment with your choice.
What are you waiting for?
Go!

Joe Beercan wakes up

2006-02-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. Well well well well well well well.
Did ya sleep good?
You let him slide on the lack of WMD's
You let him slide on the torture, the wire tapping, the secret meetings, the outing of a spy, the Patriot act, and any and all infractions against the civil liberties of our own citizens and anyone else who got in his way.
You would allow them to shoot their friends in the face and send your boys to a senseless war. One that had nothing to do with terrorist. Well, until we got there I mean. Now it has EVERYTHING to do with terrorist.
You forgave him the kissing of sheikh followed by the highest gas prices and energy bills you've ever had to pay.
You forgave him for screwing up your mothers Medicare so completely it would take a lawyer to decipher it and a trillionaire to pay for it.
You forgave him when they grabbed your crotch at the airport and confiscated your favorite toe nail clippers, while opening the floodgates of our southern border causing an influx of drugs and crime and gangs.
You defended him, and screamed down the opposition because in your heart you felt that despite the fact that
1. He never held a real job in his life
2. He went AWOL from the military
3. He lied and lied and lied some more
You somehow thought he was just like you. Or at least HE UNDERSTOOD YOU.
You never questioned him. The other legislators never questioned him. They went along with everything he said so completely it made the rest of us wonder if Rove had pictures of them all with hookers or underage minors. Where was the dissent in all of this?
Never mind those crazy, moonbat, tree hugging, gay lovin, liberals who tell you he is all about doing what is right for Corporate America at the expense of middle America. No amount of evidence could convince you of that. No matter how many nobid contracts he handed over to Haliburton.
But now.
Well. Now your rethinking things. Now it doesn't look so good. How can he let those A-Rabs control our ports? That just don't smell right. Your feeling abused and disgusted with your party.
It's like you were rooting for the winning football team. The one with the pretty cheerleaders and the amazing quarterback. Now it's as if someone told you that the amazing quarterback ran off with the linebacker to San Francisco to celebrate their love.
How could they do this to you?
Don't they CARE about the war on terror?
Your dumbstruck.
Welcome to my world lil Joe.
See you in November.

Why I joined the Minutemen

2006-02-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

Bring us your tired, your poor, your meth cooking, cocaine smuggling, pot growing, terrorist masses.
This is why we need to close the border. Let all who would come and live here, go through the proper channels to citizenship.

Of Valentines, and love and...KARMA!

2006-02-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how lucky I am. I am with my soul mate, we have a great life, we live well, we have a gorgeous baby. We just marvel at all of the things that had to come together to make our meeting and marrying possible. And like the song says "We thank God for unanswered prayers."
I was marveling at all of the times the people I know, not to mention myself, dodged bullets we didn't even know were deadly.
My mother for instance.
She and my father were high school sweethearts. They had plans to marry after she graduated. Somewhere along the line of senior year..well, I happened. And boy was that a fart in the elevator. The sixties, the bible belt, some overly religious parents...well. You do the math. The summer of love quickly gave way to the winter of hell.
Long story short, his parents made him deny paternity and break up with my mother leaving her in the lurch. They decided that they were "too good" for her and would rather save face than welcome a grandchild. I mean...that's what Christ would want right?! (rolling my eyes) This is the kind of logic you get down in the holler. (His own father was a notorious philanderer with a kid or five out of wedlock himself. Making this really funny)
Anyway...mom had me, raised me by herself and became MEGA successful. She made gobs of money, was regularly listed in the whose who of American CEO's and nominated numerous times for woman of the year.
My father. Well, he never left home. He just bought himself a trailer, parked it on his parents land, knocked up another teenager and married her. Ruined that marriage by cheating on her with a 15 year old girl (pedophilia anyone?) He went on to remarry a woman much younger, who I hear, just left his ass. He got the trailer she took the kid. So he became a do nothing loser with two failed marriages and two disfunctional loser kids. The only one worth a damn, ME, he has never met. Love me some karma.

I have had a few serious relationships in my time. I've had my heart broken. I've broken some hearts. It's astounding to look back and see how the story ended. Here are some good ones.

First love Brian. Boy had a major bass fishing fetish. I eventually broke up with him over it. Decided I need someone smarter, who would make something of himself in life.
Guess what? Brian now works the Bass fishing circuit making just TONS OF MONEY. So much for me thinking he wasn't going anywhere.
He's still stupid though. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to catch a fish. So I have THAT.

Then we have Corey. Corey always criticized my clothes, my makeup, my music. I had to ditch him. My self esteem hit the gutter.
Cut to today...Corey and his boyfriend Shane live in Houston and have been together for quite some time. Shane listens to the same music I do and we have the same tastes. I think what Corey REALLY objected to was my anatomy. *sigh*

Then..Shawn.
Shawn was just this narcissistic, sadistic, unrealistic (all the 'istics) bastard. He tried to control me, he was abusive, he kept holding me back from doing anything successful. He had to go
Today? Shawn calls me occasionally and suggests we "hook up". The trust fund that kept him from making something of himself was pissed away in a pyramid scam by his parents before he even saw a dime. The girl he cheated on me with is a raging alcoholic and has lost her children (by another marriage) and lives in a mental health ward. Shawn, lives in a trailer, trying to scrap cash together to keep his wife in detox facilities.
Sorry about your luck dude.

Todd. Todd was really a rebound guy. Not someone I took seriously. He was cheap and therefore rich. His mother is a psychiatrist. When we would have fights he would interrupt them to call his mother on the cell phone. These are his EXACT WORDS "Mommy!! Rhonda is being MEAN to me AND SHE WON'T LISTEN!!" Did I mention he was 30 YEARS OLD? What drove us apart ultimately was catching him picking his nose and eating his boogers while driving down the road with me to DINNER. I asked him to stop, and he refused. He was genuinely SHOCKED, when I broke up with him. I'm not sure what he is up to these days but if I had to guess I would say that he is not married, does not have children, still has a ton of money, and still calls "mommy" regularly when someone tells him not to do something he doesn't want to do. And probably still chewing on some hot fresh boogers.

There were a few (dozen) more, but in the interest of not sounding like a complete whore, I'll skip them. Plus they've yet to turn out as horribly as I'd thought. (hoped) But I keep tabs. Never you mind.

Considering all of my foul luck with men (since before birth), it's simply a MIRACLE that I ended up with a gorgeous (former model), successful man. He is honest, and faithful (he has never cheated on ANYONE) and as it happens, is madly in love with me. He is a wonderful father. I haven't found anything he can't do. We are so alike it's ridiculous. To him I say....
Honey, happy valentines day. I love you madly. However, the next time you buy me a set of knives for this holiday of love...I'm going to use them on you. Kisses.

Sing it with me now

2006-02-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

To the tune of Aerosmiths "Janie's got a gun":

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
His dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it's untrue
What did his Bushie do?

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Everybody is on the run

Well, I guess it's a good thing he dodged Vietnam AFTER ALL. Look what a crappy shot he is.

Oh GROW THE HELL UP!

2006-02-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out how to repost that cartoon that is going around of whats-his-face or BELIEVE ME....I would. And gleefully at that.
What the hell is the problem here? You can dish it out but you can't TAKE IT? You can draw cartoons of Jews dressed as Hitler, and don't get me started on the Christian bashing...but whooooooa. God forbid you draw "The Prophet" in an unfriendly light. And lets discuss this cartoon. His Turban is in the shape of a bomb. A lit bomb. To retaliate.....the angry Muslims...set fire to a bunch of embassy's and set off some car bombs. Hmmm. Why is that hilariously ironic?? Lets think on that.
Screw you guys.
This is what happens when a bunch of under civilized third world morons get a little power. This is the logic that comes when you take the smartest segment of your population and throw a black cloth over their face and make them non-entities. You get brilliance like this.
Listen, Al-jadumbass, if you want to have the Prophet remain holy and revered...then revere him. Stop killing children and innocent people in his name. Including other Muslims. And don't give me that "Oooo, but ALLL Muslims aren't like that. It's just the radical few". Well then get off your ass and DO SOMETHING about this "few". They are in your midst. Walk the walk. Or TAKE the hits you get in the media and on the battlefield asshole.
Buy Danish!

Verbal diarrhea

2006-01-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

All spew and no substance. You have GOT to be kidding me with that speech.
Lets see....anyone who believes in protecting the American Worker, is against "healthy competition" and a "protectionist". Okay put me in that category. Check
We are "addicted to oil". Well, I am addicted to having heat in my house when it is minus 8 outside so put me down for that too. Check.
THIS FROM THE MAN regularly seen holding hands with the Saudi king. And slipping him some tongue. Talking about being "in bed" with the enemy.
Isn't this the man who gave TAX CUTS to an oil company that posted multi billion dollar profits in one quarter alone??!!
Yes our economy is in good shape. And that USED to be GREAT news for the American worker. It meant more jobs for us. It meant companies would pay more money in taxes. Taxes that fed into our system, helping pay for our rock-n-roll democratic lifestyle. You know...for whacky shit like Education, Medicare and Social Security. (Tonight Social Security was referred to as an "entitlement program". Last I checked that money was being removed from my income to be fed back to me when I'm old. That is THE PEOPLES MONEY. Not an "entitlement".)
These days, a good economy means more jobs for people in India, China, Malaysia and South America where these companies hire. It means bigger bonuses for CEO's. It means LESS money into our tax system because we have cut their taxes. It means less work, money, education, healthcare, and retirement for US. The people who build this country everyday. The people whose backs these assholes ride. The people who VOTE.
Here is what I propose. Lets vote them ALL out. Every last Republican, Democrat, Independent. Every single representative coming up for reelection. Send them home. Vote for their opposition no matter what your personal party affiliation. We need to send a message. No more double talk. No more corruption. No more buy outs by big business.
For the people. By the people. And we refuse to be screwed any longer. Not without a kiss and maybe a little reach around.

Fairytale vs Reality
*Americans are addicted to oil!!! This is your fixed income. This is your fixed income on oil. Any questions?
** The only way to compete globally is through education, you crazy protectionist. Let no behind be left, on a child!!
***More Americans are working than ever before!!!
****We support our troops!!!
*****Our economy prospers because of illegal immigrants!

Pimping him like a two dollar whore

2006-01-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

When he is worth AT LEAST THREE!! I love this guy like a brother. He has been very supportive of me and he is so very talented.
Listen yall. Stop what your doing and go vote for Dead. He is currently nominated for Best Humor blog. Congratulations Ignatius for THAT my friend. Hoooo-Raw!
Unfortunately he is trailing behind some skank whose website won't even load in a timely fashion. Lets show him how we love him. Vote for Dead Guy. The cartoon:
http://www.thebestofblogs.com/vote-here/

Here's what would be funny....except it's not. (A Rant about big business, apathy, and illegal immigration. Yes, that again)

2006-01-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching this mining fiasco on CNN and trying to glean
some sort of true sense of "tragedy" from the men who actually own this company. What I see instead is typical in West Virginia. I see a
couple of guys perplexed and embarrassed that WE. CARE.
It's like "OH SHIT! IS THAT ANDERSON COOPER?"
We have a problem.
For more years than you have been alive these companies
have raped and pillaged that good state and no one has said
a word. They have demolished vegetation on mountaintops
causing mudslides that have wiped out whole towns.
And God Forbid you say anything about it.
Why do you think that the families of those miners are chasing
reporters away from the church they have gathered to wait?
Hm? Because they know. These guys are the only game in town
and you don't risk the only decent paying job in the area
pissing off the big boys. And the govenor! Ha! Please. Do a little
history on this state. You will be more angry than you want to
ever be. It's time Congress stopped turning a blind eye to this
crap and did something about it. It is time our government
stopped allowing for dangerous working conditions. Which
leads me to my second topic...
It is time that we secure our borders and stop providing
big business with a workforce that can be employed
without benefits or protection of our labor laws.
By that I mean illegal immigrants. And if you think
that supporting illegal immigrants is "American" or "Liberal"
then you know shit one about history. Go. Get yourself a
book on Caesar Chavez. Everything that Chavez did to protect
the American worker has been undone. It is The Grapes of
Wrath all over again. Read your history...and finally know
the answer to the question "Who will do these jobs if the
illegals aren't here??!" The answer my friend is the same
ones who did it before. Americans. The answer to
"But, but...Americans won't do the same jobs for these wages!!"
The answer is.. they didn't lower the wages to save US, the
CONSUMER, money. They lowered the wages and eliminated
the benefits to put MORE MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS.
Now I appreciate the things that would drive a person to
leave home and country and better themselves. I come from
such people. But there are avenues and procedures that need
to be followed. We need you to learn our laws. We need you to
learn our history. To become invested personally in the collective
goals of our union. We need to know who you are, and that you have no dangerous criminal background. To allow for massive influx of cheap, undocumented workers.. we jeopardize the middle class, and the poor
working class of our own nation. We allow for low wages, lack of
benefits, and dangerous working conditions for our own people. Our jobs are getting outsourced and insourced. Jobs at every economic level.
It's time to wake up. It's time to ask yourself why we allow our
government to concern themselves with what we check out at
the library, what we say on our cell phones, what bumper
stickers we purchase AND THEN ALLOW THE BORDER TO BE NONEXISTANT. We have enemies in South America folks.
There are terrorist training camps in South and Central America.
This is going to be the most heated topic of 2006.
It affects every one of us and every level of our society.
From our economy to the environment to our national security.
It is time to stop allowing big business to control our
government. If we do not then you can expect to see
allot more of these tragic situations in the future.

Have yourself a Merry Little HOLIDAY.

2005-12-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

So I found the perfect last minute, "oh shit I forgot about uncle George", kind of gift. E-CARDS! I just ordered up a bunch from a couple of Big Box stores. You pay them and they send the money card to the persons email. They just print it out and get what they want. It's not all that personal, but I am of the belief that nothing says I love you like cold hard cash. You could send it to them and they could be at the store buying their present in five mintues. No matter where they live. Considering most of my friends and family are in Texas...IT'S PERFECT.
Other than that I have nothing good to write for Christmas. I'm currently battleing an ugly abcess brought on by much night time nashing of teeth. Damned republicans. They are ruining my bite.
May all our wishes for the New Year come true. Like:
An impeachment (oh hell lets ask for two, why should we suffer through Cheney if we don't have to)
An indictment or five hundred for our Dear Rove
A really good close up of Delay in an orange jumpsuit. I think Republicans are going to find that orange is the new black in '06
A home for every misplaced American.
Safety and peace for the Iraqis,
A big Welcome Home for our boys overseas
And a midterm election that says "Screw me? OH NO... Senator, Congressman, Govenor....SCREW. YOU.

Hello Again, Hello.

2005-12-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

I need a laptop!!!
You just don't run off to another room to surf the internet with a toddler in the house. If you do...Horrible things happen, in a short amount of time. One day I spent the afternoon on the phone with Poison Control. I had to call them twice! The places you think they can't reach...Can easily be reached with a Star Wars sword. Remember that. Also...Baby Oil when swallowed....Deadly. Very. Why they do not put child proof caps on the stuff blows my mind. The deaths that have occurred from children getting mineral oil or mineral oil based products in their lungs is frightening. We were lucky.
Anyway, it has been such a joyous time. My birthday was fabulous. For Thanksgiving I cooked a five course meal for ten or twelve people. We ate, played a one hundred year old board game that was a family heirloom of my friend Penny, and ate some more. Now I am giddy with excitement over the thought of seeing my daughter's face on Christmas morning. This will be the first year that she sort of knows what is happening and we have spent a ton to make it worth the pictures. We are baking cookies and going to Christmas plays and seeing the lights all over. I haven't been this excited for Christmas since I was ten! The only thing marring it for me are the morons getting into a battle over saying "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" I heard some talk radio bastard going on and on about how THE TREE was a symbol of Christmas, so we should own up to the fact that it is CHRISTMAS and stop pandering to the liberals who are trying to take it away or limit it's meaning. To this moron and the morons who buy this crap I say this:
1.) Tree? Actually it is a pagan symbol celebrating winter soltice. It has no Christian meaning at all
2.) Happy Holidays means "Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, Happy Winter Soltice to you and yours" Whatever your holiday...I wish you happiness. Not..."Fuck you I'm not Christian" as they seem to try to make it mean. And you know why they are stirring this pot? Because they want to keep the division. It's worked for them so far. To prevent us from all banning together and start looking at what is REALLY going on. Maybe if we think someone is trying to take away our Christmas..we won't be so concerned about that deficit, War, Corruption, Heating Bill, etc.. I refuse to enter a debate designed to distract the ignorant and uneducated. I hope you will too.
The whole Christian right wing is full of evil. The devil has taken over the church. I am reminded of our last midnight mass two years ago. I was seven months pregnant and carrying very low. I was so uncomfortable it hurt to walk. I didn't want to miss the fabulous service so I bit my lip and off we went. The Woman in back of me got infuriated that I was not kneeling and PUNCHED ME IN THE BACK SEVERAL TIMES!!!. She told me that she knelt when she was pregnant with twins and I had better do the same.She started cussing me in Spanish for not being a good Christian. I turned around and said "Good for you Mother Teresa, but I am NOT Catholic and sweet and small as I make look to you I have no qualms about climbing over this pew and punching you in the fucking face if you touch me one more time." I know...so classy. My relatives shudder. Then I decided to call the cops instead. I broke out my cell phone, explained to my husband what was going on (It was all done in hushed tones. I had a big smile on my face the whole time, which should have warned him. He somehow was oblivious) and loudly proclaimed my intent to call the cops. She was gone like a shot.
I tell you folks, I'm a freak magnet.
Now here is my gift to you. An old family recipe. Guaranteed to keep you VERY MERRY this Christmas. This is an adult only delight and no cooking is involved:

BOURBON PECAN BALLS
1 Tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 c. plus 1 Tbsp. confectioners sugar
2 C. vanilla wafer crumbs (from about 55 cookies) -** do not use low fat version 1/2 cup pecans, toasted, cooled & chopped fine
1/2 c. pecans, toasted, coold & chopped fine (i don't cook mine)
1/3 c. bourbon
3 Tbsp. honey
In small bowl, sift together cocoa powder and 1 Tbsp confectioner's sugar until combined well.
In a bowl, stir together wafer crumbs & pecans. In a small bowl, whisk trogether bourbon, remaining 3/4 c. confectioner's sugar & honey and pour into crumb mixture, stirring w/fork until combined well. Form teaspoons of mixture into balls & roll in cocoa mixture. Bourbon balls may be kept in layers, separated by wax paper in an airtight container, lined w/ wax paper in a cool dry place 1 week. A lot longer if refrigerated. Makes 4.5 dozen balls.

Haaaapy Birrrrthday tooo MEEEEE!

2005-11-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Now listen. I know you've been wringing your hands trying to decide what to get me. You've thought about it and thought about it and nothing good comes to mind. You saw how I freaked out last year at my husbands lame gift and you know I will blog something crappy about you if you do not get me JUST THE RIGHT THING. So let me help you out. (I can hear your sighs from here). I want you to go to your local foodbank online and donate 25.00. If you really love me..30.00 If you hate me..donate a hundred. There are some hungry people in your city. Give them a meal. For me. Happy Thanksgiving.

It's all about the O

2005-11-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

And not the one you think. A miracle has occured. I have FINISHED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ALREADY! Not only that... Everyone HAS their christmas present from me! I'm sure they are wondering why since we haven't even had thanksgiving yet...but it's dollar shipping baby. Time to act. This year I have a theme..which will not be disclosed since some folks are reading this that will be getting something. Lets just say very sweet dreams will be had by all. And I never even had to get in my car to shop!
www.overstock.com
Now, I need some holiday cocktail recipes. Give em up!

Equal to the task. (Part I) The story of how I met your daddy.

2005-11-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

When I met my husband I had just ended a very abusive, ridiculous, painful relationship. I was in no mood for a man. I first saw him at a bar (where else? And don't tell me church because that's where the perverts are) while hanging out with girlfriends. My first impression of him was "Wow. That is one good looking man." My friends, Amy and Mindy, concurred. Then Mindy observed "When three women can agree a man is really hot...he is REALLY HOT." He didn't not notice us because he was across the room fending off women.
Cut to a week later..New Years Eve 1995. I was supposed to have a date with a guy named Daniel that night. At the last minute he had to attend an emergency shotgun wedding of his best friend. The people invited were not allowed to bring guests. (I know sounds like a total lie but I saw the invitation. They sent them out a week before their wedding. Rude Rude Rude. No wonder it only lasted a month. Get me out of these parenthesis I'm digressing.) We decided that he would go to the wedding, meet me at the local (AND ONLY) town bar and then we would head for the big city.
Meanwhile a guy friend from work, Billy, felt sorry for me and agreed to accompany me to this bar to wait for my date. Or at least that is how I understood it. Turns out..Billy thought HE was my date for the evening. So when date #1 showed up..I was with ohmygodisthisa date #2. Stay with me it's
tedious, I know.
I whisper to Billy as Daniel walked in the door that I thought he understood we were there as "just friends". After all..why would a man agree to take a girl out on a date..to meet another date??! That got me a blank stare. It made perfect sense in HIS MIND. Then I had to hurriedly explain to Daniel, who also knew Billy, why he was here and what the situation was. We decided to figure things out over tequila.
We sat down. Along comes Billy's stalker. Some woman he slept with and had no interest in but followed him wherever he went. She sat down with her girlfriend. Can you just sense the misery and confusion?
So there we all are drinking tequila and talking about...Clinton. The girls say something, the boys argue and I mentally withdraw from the conversation and start looking around for a waitress. My future husband walks by our table with a cigar in his mouth and for some reason I felt the need to say "Excuse me, but no one is going to kiss you at midnight with a cigar in your mouth. It's disgusting." At which point he bent down and kissed ME!!!! Then walked away. My two dates were totally involved in their conversation at the other end of our table and missed the whole thing. The girl with the stalker who figured out that I was somehow on a date with the two men looked at me in awe and leaned over and whispered..how the hell did you JUST MANAGE THAT? And who is HE? I didn't know.
Midnight came and we all kissed. On the cheek. Me, date 1, date 2, stalker of date 2, and friend of stalker of date 2. I left alone.
A few weeks later I'm back at the bar with my friend Amy. We just stopped by because it was Monday night football. When the home team scored they passed out free shrimp. Amy wanted to look for men, I wanted to eat some shrimp. And I hate football. I just really really love free shrimp. The place was PACKED. Amy spots a group of guys leaving a booth in the back. We pull our purses tight and run like hell. My ass is sliding in before the other guys ass has could clear the corner. The other guy is my future husband. He looked at me in shock and said "THERE you ARE. I've been trying to run into you FOR WEEKS. What is your name?"
Okay well now we have a pickle. Because even though I'm in no mood for a man I've somehow started dating this Daniel fellow who happens to be a very good friend of Amy's ( I know it always has to be difficult). Amy being just as cool a girl as God made, looked at me with approval and gave him my name AND phone number without me having to incriminate myself at all. I know. I'm scum. Sue me. He gives me his name. We all chat for a while and then he leaves and says "I'll be calling YOU madam". When he leaves Amy looks and me and says "Listen you've only been dating Daniel for a few weeks, it's not like your exclusive. If you don't go out with Mr. Hot I'm going hunt him down and date him myself." K. I guess...
He calls. We chat. He invites me out. I decline. He invites me over, I decline, He invites himself to my place, I decline and on this little farce goes for MONTHS.
Finally I stop seeing Daniel, start seeing Stephen. But I'm not happy about it. Because
A. Why date one woman when you can date a thousand. And I'm not into competing or chasing a man.
B. Previous relationship really took toll. Need time.
C. Could really fall hard for this sensitive, bright, hilarious, sexy man. I cannot have my heart broken AGAIN.
D. I'm lazy.
So what do I do? I start sabotaging the relationship. I stop dressing to the nines and being miss "Oh everything you say is simply fascinating" southern belle blink blink. And start treating him more like a guy friend. I let him come over when I have just sweats on. And a runny nose. And I pick at a zit while he is talking to me. I tell him every bad thing I've ever done. I get moody. Basically I just speeded things ahead six months. You know, the way you act once the shine is off.
A funny thing happened. He asked me to marry him! I said yes because I thought "Hmm, he seems serious. He has never been in love before. Never had a girlfriend over a year, and yet here he is ready to pledge his troth to Ms. Obnoxious, opinionated, snot nosed, zit picker. This is either true love or I don't know what."
He tells me now that he knew he was going to marry me when he saw me at the bar on New Years Eve. He felt like he had known me for lifetimes. (Isn't that what the chick is supposed to say?)
To be continued....