Man..the theme of the year seems to be Moral Ambiguity. It's driving me bananas. (Yes this is another post steeped in negativity..get over it or move along. That's just where I'm at).
Not only in my personal life as listed in previous posts, (People with low moral character treating ME like a pariah. ) but also in the news.
What is the fascination with Michael Jackson? Seriously..maybe it's the Scorpio in me but he lost me in "It's the most loving thing in the world to have children in your bed."
I can't make separations after that. I can't say "Wow, he get's a hard on thinking about naked little boys but MAN I LOVE HIS MUSIC."
Is it JUST ME?
And the whole "IT was never proved". COME ON!!!!! Why do we have separate rules for the rich? IF some GUY moved into your neighborhood. He is SINGLE. He is turning his backyard into the most off the hook play yard EVER and is inviting your children. He has boys from broken, poor homes being dropped off by their mothers. He's already had to dole out money to one child who accused him of inappropriate behaviour. He's had a trial. He does not date. HMMMM......It's the old If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..IT'S A DAMN DUCK PEOPLE!
Get this freaks face off my news so I can hear what the hell is going ON in the world.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Ha!
Just found out a certain someone moved back to Colorado and is settling in NORTHERN COLORADO. My ex T and I laughed SO HARD about that. lol I feel sorry for their kids though. Glad for us! Like one of my neighbors who used to live in Erie said....N. CO is where you move when you don't know any better. Then you figure it out and haul ass to Doug Co. lol Hey..if they insist on being in my state..best they are on the other side and in the bad part. Awesome!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Clarity
All the spiritual books I read tell you to meditate, meditate, meditate. And even though I know it is good for me I rarely have the patience or the time to just sit in silence uninterrupted for yonks. Lately I've forced myself (kicking and screaming) to just DO IT anyway. Wow. What a few weeks it has been. Your only getting a taste of it here. A tiny smidgen. One thing it does do well is clean house. Things come up you have not thought about in a long time. You clean house. Anger and hurt seem to be always on the surface. But on day's like today you wake up with such a feeling of clarity that make it all worthwhile.
The biggest thing my mothers death did for me was force me to deal ONCE AND FOREVER with the assholes in my family that I usually avoid studiously. That was unpleasant. I always tried to reach out to them in some effort to claim for myself that illusive "extended family". My grandmother and her sister did such a great job being the peacemaker between all of these women. But since they've died the wheels have come off and these bitches feel free to give full reign to their insecurities, poor character, and bad judgment. The aha moment came for me at four a.m. So in the words of Oprah..here is what I KNOW.
1. I have had two amazing parents. My grandparents. They picked up where my crazy (and they knew what she was) mother and my chicken shit dead beat father left hanging. When they died I became an orphan. My mothers death meant nothing. Just the end of my suffering and abuse.
2. I have never nor will I ever have a relationship with the country cousins. And why should I? We have ZERO in common. Each of them (Except B) have had their nose and asses wiped by their parents and continue to have them wiped TO THIS DAY. I however, have been on my own since the age of 20. COMPLETELY. My mother paid for my cousins weddings (2) and divorce (1). She wouldn't loan me 10 bucks for gas money. She also found some of them jobs. Her boss once tried to offer ME a six figure job and she told them she would quit if they did. (Her boss said "It's sad to see a mother so completely jealous of her daughter). So I had to slave away in a dipship Maryland town at minimum wage so that I could take care of her after her seizure (due to pain killer over dose) until she finally got shit canned and I was free to move back to Colorado. I moved there at my expense. I had to pay the majority of the bills. I paid to move back. The whole time she was getting paid six figures and borrowing money left and right from her friends for cars etc.
So really? What do I care what a bunch of under-educated free loading whores think about my life. They are not fit to shine my shoes.
3. Trying to correct all the lies that have been told about me by my mother and other family members is exhausting. I remember once a friend of mine telling me and my sister Jen about a rather raunchy sex exploit she had. She is a free spirit and I love her for it because I could never be that free. However...my sister then turned around and told everyone the same story only she substituted MY name instead of the person who actually had the experience. Then she told me TO MY FACE (I guess she had told that lie so many times she actually BELIEVED IT) that she told my paternal grandmother the story and that said grandmother thought I was EVIL. Well..first of all BITCHES....NEVER HAPPENED. Second of all..you know what is EVIL? Lying about someone for your own sick purposes. Denying the existence and the support of your family to a child that was inconvenient. Trying to erode any thoughts that family may have had about you by telling disgusting lies about them. THAT IS PURE EVIL.
So really? Trying to correct lies that should be obvious to anyone with a working brain is futile. It says more about them that they want to make them up and or believe them than the lie does about me. They will have to go to their maker with that.
4. I don't have to wonder if I will ever have the mother I always wanted. I won't. But I will be that mother for my daughter. My husband said to me yesterday "Your mother was a crazy ass bitch but let me tell you something. You are an amazing mother yourself. I thank God everyday I found you and that YOU are the mother of my baby."
5. I HAVE A FAMILY. And they are sitting right here.
The biggest thing my mothers death did for me was force me to deal ONCE AND FOREVER with the assholes in my family that I usually avoid studiously. That was unpleasant. I always tried to reach out to them in some effort to claim for myself that illusive "extended family". My grandmother and her sister did such a great job being the peacemaker between all of these women. But since they've died the wheels have come off and these bitches feel free to give full reign to their insecurities, poor character, and bad judgment. The aha moment came for me at four a.m. So in the words of Oprah..here is what I KNOW.
1. I have had two amazing parents. My grandparents. They picked up where my crazy (and they knew what she was) mother and my chicken shit dead beat father left hanging. When they died I became an orphan. My mothers death meant nothing. Just the end of my suffering and abuse.
2. I have never nor will I ever have a relationship with the country cousins. And why should I? We have ZERO in common. Each of them (Except B) have had their nose and asses wiped by their parents and continue to have them wiped TO THIS DAY. I however, have been on my own since the age of 20. COMPLETELY. My mother paid for my cousins weddings (2) and divorce (1). She wouldn't loan me 10 bucks for gas money. She also found some of them jobs. Her boss once tried to offer ME a six figure job and she told them she would quit if they did. (Her boss said "It's sad to see a mother so completely jealous of her daughter). So I had to slave away in a dipship Maryland town at minimum wage so that I could take care of her after her seizure (due to pain killer over dose) until she finally got shit canned and I was free to move back to Colorado. I moved there at my expense. I had to pay the majority of the bills. I paid to move back. The whole time she was getting paid six figures and borrowing money left and right from her friends for cars etc.
So really? What do I care what a bunch of under-educated free loading whores think about my life. They are not fit to shine my shoes.
3. Trying to correct all the lies that have been told about me by my mother and other family members is exhausting. I remember once a friend of mine telling me and my sister Jen about a rather raunchy sex exploit she had. She is a free spirit and I love her for it because I could never be that free. However...my sister then turned around and told everyone the same story only she substituted MY name instead of the person who actually had the experience. Then she told me TO MY FACE (I guess she had told that lie so many times she actually BELIEVED IT) that she told my paternal grandmother the story and that said grandmother thought I was EVIL. Well..first of all BITCHES....NEVER HAPPENED. Second of all..you know what is EVIL? Lying about someone for your own sick purposes. Denying the existence and the support of your family to a child that was inconvenient. Trying to erode any thoughts that family may have had about you by telling disgusting lies about them. THAT IS PURE EVIL.
So really? Trying to correct lies that should be obvious to anyone with a working brain is futile. It says more about them that they want to make them up and or believe them than the lie does about me. They will have to go to their maker with that.
4. I don't have to wonder if I will ever have the mother I always wanted. I won't. But I will be that mother for my daughter. My husband said to me yesterday "Your mother was a crazy ass bitch but let me tell you something. You are an amazing mother yourself. I thank God everyday I found you and that YOU are the mother of my baby."
5. I HAVE A FAMILY. And they are sitting right here.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
It's funny that way
I'm sort of a sensitive person. Despite what you might glean from these missives. (all 5 of you). So when I had to call people to inform them of my mothers demise I was verrrry upset by the response I got from her "friends" and "family". I cried about it for days. And then my best friend and I talked about it and after I listed the people she said "Think about what all of those people have in common."
Debbie C. = Was nice to my face when I called her but then talked shit about me behind my back to my mothers friends. Stuff like "She would STILL BE ALIVE if Rhonda would have reconnected with her". Yes well..I'd be on drugs myself. But let's discuss DEBBIE for a second.
Debbie who had to HIDE OUT AT OUR HOUSE FROM HER HUSBAND because he found out that not only had she run up HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS in credit card debt (and thus jeapordizing her families financial future) she was also fucking his best friend. I never said a word or judged her for that.
Deanna W. who practically hung up on me as I told her the news. Deanna who would go out with my mother to clubs but then go home with a different man each weekend leaving her husband to think she was at OUR HOUSE. Then she divorced and proceeded to have a "relationship" with a married man causing his family untoward pain for A DECADE. She then married Larry who was NEVER faithful..but then let's judge Rhonda for not talking to her crazy homicidal mother who threatened her every phone call.
And the family?
My Aunt L. She who turned my mother into a Saint. This is a woman who is so fucked up on drugs herself the last 10 times I've talked with her that I can scarcely understand what she is SAYING.
My second cousin E. Who, rumor has it, has a child by a relationship she had outside her marriage and was widely considered to be the town whore in her 30's.
Her daughter T who instead of expressing condolences dropped me from her FACEBOOK. Really? This from a girl who spent her freshman year in college PARTYING while pregnant. Guess when her family found out she was carrying? THE DAY SHE DELIVERED. Then she married a crack head. Then she divorced him and married some latino man who decided he wanted to pretend she didn't HAVE a son and so her PARENTS raised him. Niiiiiice.
So apparently..the SOUL-LESS have a hard time expressing condolences.
A couple of day's ago I had a (rare) dream about my grandfather. One of only 3 since his death. A friend of mine who is psychic says that when a dead relative is in your dream they are actually visiting you. So in this dream he is FURIOUS at my mother. FURIOUS. He is so angry with her. He says to me "Don't worry about that ole bunch (meaning my cousins and mothers friends) They are a sad, sick bunch of so and so's not fit to shine your boots. They will pay for their judgement of you. I tried to protect you from your mother as long as I could baby. I really tried. I'm sorry."
Debbie C. = Was nice to my face when I called her but then talked shit about me behind my back to my mothers friends. Stuff like "She would STILL BE ALIVE if Rhonda would have reconnected with her". Yes well..I'd be on drugs myself. But let's discuss DEBBIE for a second.
Debbie who had to HIDE OUT AT OUR HOUSE FROM HER HUSBAND because he found out that not only had she run up HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS in credit card debt (and thus jeapordizing her families financial future) she was also fucking his best friend. I never said a word or judged her for that.
Deanna W. who practically hung up on me as I told her the news. Deanna who would go out with my mother to clubs but then go home with a different man each weekend leaving her husband to think she was at OUR HOUSE. Then she divorced and proceeded to have a "relationship" with a married man causing his family untoward pain for A DECADE. She then married Larry who was NEVER faithful..but then let's judge Rhonda for not talking to her crazy homicidal mother who threatened her every phone call.
And the family?
My Aunt L. She who turned my mother into a Saint. This is a woman who is so fucked up on drugs herself the last 10 times I've talked with her that I can scarcely understand what she is SAYING.
My second cousin E. Who, rumor has it, has a child by a relationship she had outside her marriage and was widely considered to be the town whore in her 30's.
Her daughter T who instead of expressing condolences dropped me from her FACEBOOK. Really? This from a girl who spent her freshman year in college PARTYING while pregnant. Guess when her family found out she was carrying? THE DAY SHE DELIVERED. Then she married a crack head. Then she divorced him and married some latino man who decided he wanted to pretend she didn't HAVE a son and so her PARENTS raised him. Niiiiiice.
So apparently..the SOUL-LESS have a hard time expressing condolences.
A couple of day's ago I had a (rare) dream about my grandfather. One of only 3 since his death. A friend of mine who is psychic says that when a dead relative is in your dream they are actually visiting you. So in this dream he is FURIOUS at my mother. FURIOUS. He is so angry with her. He says to me "Don't worry about that ole bunch (meaning my cousins and mothers friends) They are a sad, sick bunch of so and so's not fit to shine your boots. They will pay for their judgement of you. I tried to protect you from your mother as long as I could baby. I really tried. I'm sorry."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
There are no good or bad people in your life. Just teachers
Yeah well..whomever wrote that line never met my mother.
My bi-polar mother who has been trying to kill herself since she was 16 finally succeeded. And DESPITE the fact that NO ONE in my family was talking to her I am somehow to blame.
My mother was a manipulative, drug addicted, mentally ill mess. If she was not trying to pit people against one another then she was trying to kill herself to control people THAT way. I can't count how many times as a child she threatened to off herself and take me with her.
Fortunately for her... medicines became available to keep her homicidal tendencies under control. Unfortunately.... she chose not to take them. It's just no fun taking responsibility for your actions I guess. Best to cause drama and let everyone around you suffer.
I can't help feeling relieved. The woman tortured me physically, mentally and emotionally MY ENTIRE LIFE. She threatened me, she lied about me.
Some of my favorites are (that she told my family never thinking it would get back to me) was that I was a whore.
I sort of wish I was. That sex in the city type era passed me by. As it was, the TRUTH is, that I was a serial monogamist who stayed in relationships long past the point of closing time.
Another lie...the police were after me. She neglected to count on the fact that I would CALL UP THE LOCAL police to find out exactly why they had stopped by her house looking for me. They were not. I guess she thought I would cower in a corner and beg her to protect me. Who MAKES UP THIS KIND OF SHIT TO CONTROL THEIR OWN KID? The mind boggles.
My grandmother would buy into all of it. That's on her karma now. But I do remember my mother saying "Some policemen were just here, what have you done NOW?"
Other than go to school, pay taxes, work two jobs and date my boyfriend. I can't imagine. So I called them on SPEAKER PHONE. They ran my license and name. Not so much as a ticket EVER. My favorite part? My mother was sitting there chain smoking looking like a dumbass when the officer on the phone said "Whomever said that to you was clearly a lier".
Thank you.
I finally got the hell out and moved to Colorado. Occasionally I would talk to her and she would promise never to tell lies about me or my husband again, and then my cousin would call me with a completely different account of that conversation where my mother claimed "I was rude and I threatened her".
So much for tearful reunions.
So...the call finally came that her body had been found in a motel.
Enter a period where my KUNTRY relatives tried to break into her apt to steal anything of value. Unfortunately they were stopped by the office manager. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. My mother had cleared out all of her belongings and given them away.
That particular cousin called me when I was grieving. I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and instead of telling me that she is grieving as well or offering words of comfort. The thing that comes out of her mouth is "Well.. listen to me. Your mother always said she would give that china to Courtney and I expect to get that for her."
Really?
That's what you've got to offer?
I did wind up getting all of that stuff from my mothers former housekeeper. But like my friend Amanda said "IT'S MY CHINA NOW BITCH".
They tried to get control of her body.
I had a friend that owns a funeral home handle everything for me and I told the family something else to throw them off. Another friend picked up the ashes from the funeral home and drove them to me.
We are planning to release them this summer.
I'm not telling anyone where or how. Anyone more excited about her china than her death does not deserve to come.
My aunt wanted me to give HER the ashes. (My aunt whom my mother hated with a passion).
Another cousin told me "Yeah..they plan on holding a memorial for her and running ar0und telling everyone "Look! Her own daughter didn't show up" so that they could fob off their guilt on ME. Nice try losers. That worked when other relatives died. My grandmother died and no one called me until 3 days AFTER her funeral. I didn't even know she was ill. I had just spoken with her on the phone the week before! That's just one in a long string of people whose funeral I missed because my mother or aunts wanted to be able to talk shit about me.
But..now it's done. As my husband said "The woman can no longer torment us unless we let her" and as for my "family". I'll keep one or two cousins in my life and the rest can kiss my ass.
My bi-polar mother who has been trying to kill herself since she was 16 finally succeeded. And DESPITE the fact that NO ONE in my family was talking to her I am somehow to blame.
My mother was a manipulative, drug addicted, mentally ill mess. If she was not trying to pit people against one another then she was trying to kill herself to control people THAT way. I can't count how many times as a child she threatened to off herself and take me with her.
Fortunately for her... medicines became available to keep her homicidal tendencies under control. Unfortunately.... she chose not to take them. It's just no fun taking responsibility for your actions I guess. Best to cause drama and let everyone around you suffer.
I can't help feeling relieved. The woman tortured me physically, mentally and emotionally MY ENTIRE LIFE. She threatened me, she lied about me.
Some of my favorites are (that she told my family never thinking it would get back to me) was that I was a whore.
I sort of wish I was. That sex in the city type era passed me by. As it was, the TRUTH is, that I was a serial monogamist who stayed in relationships long past the point of closing time.
Another lie...the police were after me. She neglected to count on the fact that I would CALL UP THE LOCAL police to find out exactly why they had stopped by her house looking for me. They were not. I guess she thought I would cower in a corner and beg her to protect me. Who MAKES UP THIS KIND OF SHIT TO CONTROL THEIR OWN KID? The mind boggles.
My grandmother would buy into all of it. That's on her karma now. But I do remember my mother saying "Some policemen were just here, what have you done NOW?"
Other than go to school, pay taxes, work two jobs and date my boyfriend. I can't imagine. So I called them on SPEAKER PHONE. They ran my license and name. Not so much as a ticket EVER. My favorite part? My mother was sitting there chain smoking looking like a dumbass when the officer on the phone said "Whomever said that to you was clearly a lier".
Thank you.
I finally got the hell out and moved to Colorado. Occasionally I would talk to her and she would promise never to tell lies about me or my husband again, and then my cousin would call me with a completely different account of that conversation where my mother claimed "I was rude and I threatened her".
So much for tearful reunions.
So...the call finally came that her body had been found in a motel.
Enter a period where my KUNTRY relatives tried to break into her apt to steal anything of value. Unfortunately they were stopped by the office manager. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. My mother had cleared out all of her belongings and given them away.
That particular cousin called me when I was grieving. I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and instead of telling me that she is grieving as well or offering words of comfort. The thing that comes out of her mouth is "Well.. listen to me. Your mother always said she would give that china to Courtney and I expect to get that for her."
Really?
That's what you've got to offer?
I did wind up getting all of that stuff from my mothers former housekeeper. But like my friend Amanda said "IT'S MY CHINA NOW BITCH".
They tried to get control of her body.
I had a friend that owns a funeral home handle everything for me and I told the family something else to throw them off. Another friend picked up the ashes from the funeral home and drove them to me.
We are planning to release them this summer.
I'm not telling anyone where or how. Anyone more excited about her china than her death does not deserve to come.
My aunt wanted me to give HER the ashes. (My aunt whom my mother hated with a passion).
Another cousin told me "Yeah..they plan on holding a memorial for her and running ar0und telling everyone "Look! Her own daughter didn't show up" so that they could fob off their guilt on ME. Nice try losers. That worked when other relatives died. My grandmother died and no one called me until 3 days AFTER her funeral. I didn't even know she was ill. I had just spoken with her on the phone the week before! That's just one in a long string of people whose funeral I missed because my mother or aunts wanted to be able to talk shit about me.
But..now it's done. As my husband said "The woman can no longer torment us unless we let her" and as for my "family". I'll keep one or two cousins in my life and the rest can kiss my ass.
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